The realization I wasn't just a weird guy writing lesbian pov erotica for cash for a "job lol", but that I was desperately suicidal and trying to escape my core sense of perception and transcend my waking ego entirely... To no avail... Six years later gender dysphoria still haunts me, nothing is okay, everything sucks, and I haven't written a chapter of anything in fucking years. I don't remember the last time I felt pleasure.
That's part of why I built this place. I got sick of writing and tried to jump start my creativity. It didn't work and now I don't even critique or read. Idk why I'm here. I am probably soon to delete my reddit account. No hint of sarcasm, I really fucking hate this site.
Could be so so much worse. I'm not happy I am suffering but I can imagine such darker hells. If I went blind or something, or nerve pain, or homelessness, etc. Like fuck no. Prison. Like idk. I feel like on a bell curve I have it actually pretty good. But I'm miserable because it's just how I am. Idk.
Covid annihilated my summer and I'm only coming to grips now. Like. What. The. Fuck. I was supposed to lead and organize a rave, run a music festival, a craft faire, a goth photoshoot. Fuck dude. Everything got fucked and they canceled my surgery lmao fuck dude
Trigger warning...
But could you imagine like getting shot or covid or overdosing on meth and having brain zaps, sold into sex slavery, forced into war at gun point? I can imagine it, but I'm thankful I don't have to cope with that shit. Or like any other rare genetics disorder or worse a botched surgery lmao fuck that. Lmao for sure I can survive this 1st world existential crisis.
edit: nuked