Hey man, if you want to go anyway why not enjoy the shit out of life before? Use all of your money and go to a freakin island or whatever. Go eat the best food at the best restaurant, watch movies buy whatever clothes you want, buy a dog or a stripper or whatever. I’m just saying death is pretty shitty and obviously no one knows what happens after it, but some say suicide will just make you reincarnate as a disabled person in your next life who will not be physically able to hurt themselves as a lesson. Even if you don’t believe in god i’m just saying you were put here for a reason and all of these thoughts you’re having are curable. Really just try take a break and go in the mountains for a week and reflect on your life or talk to a therapist or whatever. Trust me you don’t want to die like this. There are way worse things you can experience than the pain your body and mind are going through the spiritual world is crazy and in the end thats all we are: spirits. Give it some time, don’t rush because it’s not as easy as saying “next time I’ll finish the job”. You were already given a second chance, be wise about it. Take care brother, you are not alone.