Trigger Warning: Emotional/verbal abuse. Letter to NM who I am NC with. Just letting off a little steam. I have been NC with my NM for over a year (8/23/15-now, minus April 11 when I attended my Aunt's funeral) and am still trying to self heal. It's a hard journey, days are getting better but some are still harder than others. I have been keeping a journal to help and this is my latest entry (sorry for the length):
Fuck you, you piece of shit bitch for all the mental damage you have caused. It's going to take much more time and years to get over what your 31 years of grief, guilt trips and general shitty mothering has done to me. You're probably sleeping sound, all tucked into your bed with no cares in the world. Wonder who you are annoying these days since it's no me? Thanks for fucking up my relationship with my family, not that I ever really belonged anyway. Just want to throw out again what a shitty mother you were and still are. You're never going to read this because as far as I'm concerned, we are never going to see each other again. I know you aren't going to change because change to you is foreign in every aspect. Heaven forbid you change anything....hair, routine, how you treat other people. I'm glad you are out of my life and glad you don't get to fuck up Adley's. I never understood they way you treated me. The child in me still wonders what I did wrong when really it's been you all along. The child in me wants to have a "normal" mother who is proud of her daughter and doesn't dish out fake compliments, ignore her daughter who has traveled over 4 hours to come visit (holy shit if "Days of Our Lives is On!!!!!!), treat her Son-in-Law like complete shit, treat Facebook like it's oxygen and required to live and generally just walk all over everybody. I feel sorry for everyone that has had to deal with you. I don't know what happened to you because at one point, probably in my skewed vision of what a mother should be like, you were seemingly a good mother. Well, at least before I became "too independent" (your words, not mine) and began to think for myself. Thank you Lord for letting me have a way to escape from the hell that I was living in at age 18 and then 13 years later to give me the courage cut out the toxicity in my life. I'm over it. I've got a life to live and family to enjoy.
Thank you though for teaching me how NOT to be a mother...I never understood why you treated me differently or made me feel bad about myself but now that I am a mother myself, I REALLY don't get it. I meant what I said the last time we talked (April 11, 2016 to be exact), that if we ever do see each other again, I will be prepared with a cake and balloons for the pity party that you will surely be throwing for yourself. More than likely, it will never get to that point because you don't care/don't realize/etc that how you treated me for 31 years was wrong. You're not going to change and I am going to have to deal with the fact that I will never have the mother I need. I will deal with that accordingly (no thanks to you or help from you for that matter) like I have every other damn thing in my life. Sucks for you that you are missing out on an awesome daughter (me!) and an even more awesomer (not even a word and I don't care) granddaughter that you will never know. Luckily for her, she won't even know to miss you because you have never been in her life anyway. It would be great to tell this to you personally but #1. I am working on making myself a better person, #2. You won't listen/care anyway and finally #3. It would mean talking/seeing/interacting with you and I don't have the time to waste on that as I am too busy living my life. Thanks for nothing.
TL;DR: Have been NC with NM for over a year, this is the latest journal entry (rant, if you will) to help me cope.