I went to the INFJ's for advice, see the outcome.

Did the anger help you and the person involved? I have been on both sides of the pond. I have expressed my anger because I felt righteous and justified and I have fueled someone's right for anger because I felt I was in the wrong. All that occurs is a feedback loop that exponentially spirals of control.

In the case of trust-betrayal I see the expression of anger actually as a chance given by the cheated to the cheater to prove that they are truly remorseful by connecting with the pain of the cheated and therefore prove that they might be trustworthy again in the future.

What the cheated wants is to change the person inherently so they magically stop doing the action in the future which offended them in the present. The cheater in hopes of being forgiven expresses remorse that is most of the time genuine and heartfelt in that moment, but over time human nature takes over. The cheated when presented with such dichotomy of short term remorse and long term egoistical nature morph their righteousness into hurting the cheater in a similar fashion that they hurt them.

So this is basically a strategy that tests someone's present-perspective on someone's past-actions to extrapolate on their future-actions. This is based on a deeply held belief that if someone is capable of truly empathizing with the pain their action caused to me, they would not be capable to do the same action again in the future. And therefore it is absolutely essential to express the full range of emotions to them, so that they get a chance to prove their ability to empathize with me.

Do you really believe that? That the person will never under any circumstances repeat that action again? Trust has been broken. It has been irretrievably lost.

For me though expressing my anger, actually was the tool that helped me clarify my vision of the other person - if I had kept my emotions in, I would have been swept away by the cheaters perspective and version of events - I would have assumed that yes, all that was not such a big deal. That I should let it go and just assume that they would never do something like that again.

That's not what I was advocating. I was talking about you getting your own space, and then engaging in a level conversation about how you want to proceed. You say that you would have been swept away by cheater's version of events, but I argue only you yourself define your core values and ideals by which you function. Even if he/she convinces you right now that he/she is in the right, you will never be at peace long term unless you make that decision yourself. A simple analogy. You can tell and force a child to study something and impress the need and importance of studying that thing and convince them, but internally the child will face a resistance to studying that thing. If on the other hand, the child gets interested and excited about the said subject on their own, by making their own decision, they will go to the ends of earth to become a master in that subject.

That I should just live with it, and accept being cheated on as the appropriate risk of being in a relationship.

Isn't it though? I have seen the best and nicest people cheat. Human nature is fickle.

But I think that is really a struggle Fi users do not know. What do you think? You would be clear about your truth regardless if you express your hurt or not?

As a Fi user I can feel your pain multiplied by million times, and emphasize and identify with you, but I learnt not to cloud my judgement by emotions. They are transient. Next time you are angry, in any situation, become aware that you are angry , say to yourself internally I am angry right now and ask yourself within why you are angry. Often answer is different from the reason you think in the moment of anger.

/r/infp Thread Parent