My parents were non existent. I raised myself and I did a very poor job. No one told me anything about women but the women I saw growing up were vile and lost. I've never had a high opinion of women nor of men and spent most of my life wondering why people have no plan. I've spent my entire life wondering why women were so stupid. Why they chase morons, just because other women are. Why they have no plan and can't even think of a plan.

I was given no lessons. No positive ones. My parents beat me down psychologically. I think my father was afraid that I would succeed and thereby show him that he's a failure. And I did. I think my mother was lost from childhood and still lost to this day.

I have always been successful with women. It's blown my mind when I've been rejected, do you know what you just lost the chance to try out for? Do you know the sex you just never got to have? I can do anything. I can show a girl a world she knows exists, she sees, but most men not only can't create but don't even realize is real. I know how amazing I am and I've only had my confidence build.

Nothing like a night of passion only to watch as a girl falls in "love" with you. To watch how the way she looks at you changes. Her eyes open wider and she stares.

My wife knows she is a lucky lass. She knows to the point that all she can do is watch what I do and do her best to follow along. That she has no control over me and she must do what she can to keep me. It makes her happy when she has me. It makes her happy when she can please me. When she makes a good meal. When she does a good job in the sack and I'm happy, she's so happy that she has made me happy.

Yes to casual sex but no I didn't really want it. People have said I'm codependent and twenty years ago when I kept a diary I wrote in it, many times, "anything is better than being alone". I had casual sex because anything was better than being alone. I am not a fan but I did learn a lot. I've often wondered how other men can go years with no woman. I couldn't go a month without going nuts. Without going hard meeting women. I think I need a relationship just so I can focus on other things.

I've had many of them. I had lived with five women for at least one year, and four of them at least two years, by age thirty seven. At that age I had spent fourteen years of my life living with a woman. My current one is approaching four years and I often think about how I could do better. Or how in an abstract sense, she just isn't good enough. I wrestle with this as I'm committed to her and have to willpower it. I wonder at times, why doesn't she inspire love in me? I've told her this. I want you to inspire love in me.

I don't struggle all around. I'm successful, despite my flaws, and only due to willpower. Every day is a struggle. I want more. I want the best. I will never be cold or hungry again. I will never accept second place. I will make it happen. Why can't I? I do not understand all these men who have given up. Why can't you succeed? Why?