West Fargo schools fall just shy of tying Fargo's student enrollment

Quattro was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of his privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. He put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief. “Bad news, detective. We got a situation.” “What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?” “Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.” The heroin needle practically fell out of Quattro’s arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?” “Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.” “Easy, chief,” Quattro said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.” The chief laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Quattro. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.” “Don’t worry,” Quattro said. “I’m on it.” Quattro put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, he was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. Quattro hopped over them and went inside. “Home Depot™️ Presents the Police!®️” Quattro said, flashing his badge and gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t. “Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up. “Come on,” Quattro said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?” It didn’t seem like they did. “Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.” Nothing. These people were stonewalling him. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing. Quattro figured he could wait them out. He lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and he told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it. “Subway™️ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®️” Quattro yelled. Too late. He was already out the front door. Quattro went after him. “Stop right there!” Quattro yelled as he ran. He was faster than Quattro because Quattro always tries to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen. Quattro was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” Quattro yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!” He turned. In his hand was an assault rifle that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at Quattro and missed. Quattro pulled his own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. Quattro shot the mailbox again, on purpose. “All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.” “Why’d you do it?” Quattro asked, as he slapped a pair of Oikos™️ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs®️ on the guy. “Because I was afraid.” “Afraid?” “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.” Quattro wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed his partner. Instead, Quattro shook his head. “Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” Quattro said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.” He nodded, because he knew Quattro was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay Quattro for arresting him.

/r/fargo Thread Parent Link - inforum.com