I fully accepted my diagnosis at 20 years old after having the WORST manic episode of my life. It felt like I nearly lost my mind for good and that’s when I started taking my diagnosis seriously and being compliant with my treatment. I was diagnosed with BD1 at 17 years old and I was very in denial. I didn’t believe my psychiatrist. I wanted to keep partying like my peers so I kept going off of my meds so I could drink freely, and also for vanity reasons (weight gain). I also felt like the meds were taking away my creativity and dulling my personality. But every time I got off my meds I ended up right back in the psych ward in less than 6 months.
Even though I was getting hospitalized consistently every year since my diagnosis, I was still in denial. This most recent manic episode however is where I finally realized how serious it is. After being hospitalized for 2 months straight and not sleeping for 3+ weeks, basically fighting for my life back, I knew that partying and not taking my meds wasn’t worth it anymore. I lost a really good job and I burned bridges with a lot of people during that manic episode. I put my family through hell. Being in that horrible state of mind made me realize how much I value my sanity.
I’ve accepted that even if I gain a little weight, that is fixable and it’s better than losing my mind for good. Because BD progressively gets worse if left untreated and the brain gets damaged after each manic episode. I suffered the consequences of leaving it untreated. It’s been a year since that episode and I honestly still feel like I will never be the same in terms of how sharp I used to be. And as for the ‘loss of creativity’ and change of personality that I felt, I now feel that I am who I’m supposed to be when I’m medicated. When I’m not medicated, I’m a mess. I become a risk-taking, egotistical, delusional version of myself and it seems like everybody around me notices but me. I don’t notice until I’m stable and realize the damage I’ve done. It’s not pretty.
It took nearly 4 years for me to come to terms with having bipolar disorder but now that I have, I’m the most stable I’ve ever been and for the longest period of time and I truly love myself. I’m not ashamed of having BD. It made me who I am today and I enjoy educating people about it when I have the opportunity to. I have a wonderful fiancé who loves and supports me and my family loves and supports me. To me that’s all that matters. I found the right medication for me after years of trial and error and now I can honestly say that I love life.
The main thing I’ve learned from my experiences is STAY ON YOUR MEDS!! Even if you feel great and think you don’t need them. Trust me I made the mistake of getting off my meds one too many times and now unfortunately I feel like my cognitive abilities are not the same.