I regret all of this. I wish I never realized I was trans. I wish I never came out. I'd do anything to undo all of it and just not know. I'll never be satisfied with my transition, but it's too late for me to detransition either. In two days I go back to school, where I'll be presenting female - there's no way for me to move enough male clothes there without letting my transphobic family know I'm detransitioning, which would cause a whole slew of new problems. Plus, all of my friends know me as female. But I can't move forward, either - I'm prevented from accessing anything medical, but even if I could, I simply need more out of transition than I can get. Transitioning, for me, consists of enormous amounts of time, energy and money for tiny, tiny mitigations in dysphoria. I have no way forward. I have no way backward. My best guess is that I'll spend this school year without doing makeup, shaving, or otherwise taking care of my body. I'll throw on whatever clothes are on hand, probably won't even make sure they match, try to pretend they don't exist, and force myself through the day. And I'll do that every single day for the entire school year. God I wish I had just decided not to transition in the first place it was such a stupid fucking mistake.