I was raped by a “friend” 3 years ago. I didn’t realize it until a couple months ago. He was really the ex of a great friend, but we formed our own acquaintanceship? Anyway, for a long time I thought that he coerced me, but then reduced it to me being naive, and betraying a friend. However, there were tons of moments that I couldn’t remember, specifically the moment that we began having sex, the moments after, and the following 2-3 weeks. I will say that I had taken Xanax earlier that day, as a drug, not a prescription. One day, a couple months ago, I was sitting outside and talking to my friend about the Epstein doc that had just come out, and the topic of sexual assault, and she asked me if I ever told anyone (specifically my friend who’s ex I slept with) about it. I told her that I couldn’t because I played an active role in it, and I didn’t wanna lose her. She insisted that I tell the friend because she felt like I was coerced and had nothing to hide. I hadn’t thought about the situation for too long after it happened but since we were on the topic, yet again for the life of me i couldn’t remember how we got started and why I would do such a thing. I had never felt attraction for this man, and there’s no way he could just get me to do that. I just remember dismissing his advances continuously, next thing we were fully entangled. Then I looked down, looked up and like the flashbacks in a movie, I just stared forward and watched it happen. The memory that I missed for three years, and the moment that took the situation from me being naive and coerced to full on assaulted. It was my shorts. I was wearing the same shorts from that time. In the flashback I saw me sitting down on a bed, him ripping it off of me, causing me to falling back, his voice saying “what? I’m not gonna rape you or anything” and him immediately going down on me and I froze, and let it happen. I remember not really feeling his mouth, but knowing what was happening. I remember refusing to fight it, because if I struggled and he won it meant that I would be getting raped, and so I participated instead. I was a virgin also. I remember tellIng him “ok that’s enough” and him talking a bout blue balls, then I don’t remember any more, at all. It’s still missing. When the memory passed I couldn’t even speak to my friend. It was rough for the next month.