Alcohol. I lead a totally OK life, from the outside. I started drinking at 15, in my darkened childhood bedroom, and now I'm 38. It's been total hell. At this point, I can easily go two weeks or even more sober, but it always comes back. I've gone to AA and been sober for six months at a time, with a sponsor, with the steps. I've had therapists. I've been diagnosed with bipolarism. Honestly, I'm just waiting for the people around me I love to die naturally so I can kill myself. Detox alone everytime is pure hell where I am just walking from room to room in the worst loneliness. The only sober thing that can possibly bring me any momentary hope is an orgasm or a powerful conversation. So I spend sober moments doing those two things.

It's hard to explain to outsiders how painful this is. As I mentioned I'm riddled with bipolarism and that has also fucked me up. I often forget my drugs. I'm always on the verge. When I drink for three days straight or more it feels like I'm on the perch above the universe. I love everyone and have figured it all out. It's extremely intense. But I never take the full step and go to far.

But the biggest thing I'm addicted to is love. Having a woman love me, who will say she feels that and hold me. It's intoxicating. And sex plays into this of course. It's a bit complciated.

But MORE than anything I'm addicted to having any person say they like me. I was a salesperson for many years, and so I've became good that getting that response. It's not a lot of fun.