Feelings. Emotions. Sentiments. All that stuff. I've never been able to find friends in my nearly-16-year of life. So I just resort to ignore and suppress my emotions, hoping to achieve stoic lifestyles. Conversations with my families are pretty much debates, not arguments. Basically I only have "logical", "rational" talks with them. Absolutely or near absolutely no conversations that ease people's minds and also mine. Just serious talks. Additionally, I absolutely resent and dislike my sister, due to constant arguments in the past. I've even thought that if she dies, I would not care. And it is true, my sister had an emotional breakdown that had her hospitalized (she didn't die). During her breakdown, she spouted a lot of nonsense, and I watched that like it was a scientific observation, and was even fascinated by it. I don't have friends. Just to throw it our there. I do not have friends. Just acquaintances at schools. I had helped several of them. I helped a girl stopped crying because of some quite bad personal struggles. In the end, none helped me back, so I believed that only I can care about myself, that everyone is selfish, and even reinforce the idea with rational reasons, which I myself find quite convincing. Ironically, I always tried to help people whenever possible. The result? I thought of taking my own life a lot. Whenever I watched something or read something that hit close to home, I brokedown and cried. Then I just continued with life, like my instincts, my genes tell me to. I find the idea of nonexistence comforting. TL;DR: I find life meaningless. Philosphical and rational thoughts didn't help. Just make it even more meaningless.