What are you proud of today?

A week ago I was given the opportunity to adopt two beautiful, sweet dogs. I have one 18 year old dog that is the love of my life but I know in my heart that soon, very soon, I'll have an empty house to come to. I can't imagine my life without dogs and these two little girls just felt like family almost immediately. They are 7 months old and very well mannered and great with other dogs.

I was given a week to make an absolute final decision, the girls were being fostered by a good friend and had various vet appointments lined up throughout the week. Then my friend was going to drive 24 hours to deliver them to me, which was amazing.

Early in the week, It felt like the decision was a train barreling down the tracks, this was happening, there was no stopping it, and my whole life felt like it was about to change. I was so excited.

But suddenly, and surprisingly, I remembered my "adhd toolbox" , and I started making a checklist of ways to gather as much information I could to make this decision...I brought a puppy over to my house to see how my own dog would react, I had the foster do a cat test, I talked to my vet, I talked to their vet, I asked the foster mom endless questions, I read books. I even had a tarot card reading (please don't judge).

Still, I was doing this, I was going to do this, I convinced myself the ways in which I could meet the challenge and all of the ways in which this was the perfect thing to take on, and I continued to make plans with my friend to travel here - dates, logistics, all of the things.

I can't even explain how beautiful and sweet these pups are. But on the last day, the very last day, allllll of the information from the week came at me so clearly and reality finally surfaced: I would have had to deal with littermate syndrome (which I know perfectly well is to be avoided but somehow I just buried that knowledge deep, deep down), there's the risk that most of my time would have gone into training them which would likely leave my current dog neglected, and that's something I would never have forgiven myself for.

I have ADHD, OCD, and an anxiety disorder, and despite my progress with my mental health, if I failed at helping these dogs to thrive, it would set me back so far and push me back down into the well of shame and guilt that I've worked so hard to try and climb out of. So I pushed through the tears and disappointment and called my friend and told her I just couldn't make it work.

She had been so hopeful and relieved that they were coming to me, knowing how much I love dogs, I live on a farm and they would have had a wonderful life...on paper. I know I disappointed her which just made me sick to my stomach. But my often-ignored rational voice knew it was the right thing, and I actually listened to that voice.

Throughout my life, let's just say that there's been a whole lotta daylight between me and good decisions. Adopting these dogs would have changed my life in so many ways, for a long, long time. I'm proud of myself for being able to override my impulsivity and make this heartbreaking decision. My house won't be empty forever and when I do find the right dog, I'll thank myself for finding my way through this particular situation.

/r/ADHD Thread