What are some common things parents do/say that is actually hurts their child but they think is innocent?

Not everyone does it, though. Mature people flat out won't.

I like to recommend the book "The Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Now obviously this is supposed to be directed towards people who are trying to heal from parents who were emotionally never there for them, but it is a miraculous book that can help you identify motives to emotionally immature people.

The basic summary is emotionally immature people were never taught to deal with raw emotions, be it happy or sad, theirs or someone else's. So any time something is on the surface, they are comfortable, while anything that gets deep is going to provoke a defense mechanism. Invalidating someone's feelings is one of the tactics they use to keep everyone on the surface.

It's a great book, I recommend reading it. Again, it's technically directed to adults who are trying to heal from this home environment, but I think it just helps with every day. I now understand why some random strangers say the things they say. The other day someone asked me when I was due, and I got the biggest goofy grin on my face and said "August 18th. I really can't wait to see him, I've been waiting for him for a while, I've always wanted kids, just want him to be here already haha". Obviously this emotion was not on the surface. It wasn't inappropriate, but it wasn't on the surface. So her reaction was to push it back on the surface by saying "well, don't get too excited...the baby isn't here yet, anything could happen". Yeah, that was super angering. But since I read that book, I was able to identify that this person is uncomfortable with emotion, and I was able to not let it get to me so much. It also helped me navigate the rest of the conversation - keep it on the surface and everything will be cordial.

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