Respectfully, I have the experience of being both passing and nonpassing, and I have probably personally known far more trans people than you since I am one. When you’re nonpassing people are more likely to give you weird looks or maybe yell something at you, but overall I feel much less safe now that I pass. It was specifically when I got FFS that people started disrespecting me and talking over me, before that I still got respect because I was being sexed as male. Frankly I was also very ignorant before I passed and it showed in my behavior.

It is not the case that the male gaze is “just as cruel” to nonpassing tranfems. It is not the case that they do not pose a threat. I have personally experienced people I am deeply confident are men who identify as women explicitly to get into women’s spaces or pressure gay women into dating them. This is a real serious concern and you can’t wish it away because it’s politically inconvenient. I have seen this firsthand and online many many many times.