Hey there, this is going to be a second handed response but it was something my mum told me once. I mentioned how I wouldn't know what I would do without her when she passed and she told me her own story how she coped with her own mums death.
Her mum died of cancer when was 58. My mum at this time was early 20s I believe and was struggling with coming to terms with the cancer diagnosis. She only had 3-4 months left to live.
Before she said, they teased their mum for how big her stomach was getting. She was this small thing, an absolute lady, and an amazing mother. I guess as months went by granddad made her go to the doctors and they discovered she was unfortunately full of cancer.
Mum looking back was a bit ashamed of the teasing and still feels guilty. If you have the time, let yourself be vulnerable and tie up any loose ends. Be brave in the face of distress and acknowledge that death and suffering is what creates gratitude.
Eventually my grandmother passed on. Mum was pretty useless for awhile and non functional. The only thing she told me that got through it, was reminding herself of others. Her kids she would have in the future and her as a child.
She said that when those thoughts happened she kept reminding herself of how lucky she was to have had such a loving, devoting, and amazing parent. How thankful she was to have ever been touched by someone so genuine and who was so generous as a mother, partner, and friend.
Finally, how grateful my mom was for the departure to have been at a time where she was strong enough to handle it as a young adult. My grandmothers role in her life may have been cut short but she had done her job in raising a family and had excelled. She was at an age where she could understand the significance of my grandmother dying and be able to capture her final moments.
When you're a child, you don't get it. You don't understand death and can not appreciate an individuals passing because you don't yet comprehend how beautiful and meaningful their life was.
She got through it knowing that indescribable part of my grandmother was always going to survive through her. Though a passing is deeply saddening, she reflected on how beautiful her life had been. As ugly as it may sounds, pain and suffering is what brings value and colours our life.
I'm sorry if this is an incoherent mess. I'm a bit of a mess in considering this and a loved ones death. You matter too. Don't deny yourself the pain and the comfort of others. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you didn't have to go through this. You can get through this. Things will get better and heal.