'Twas the winter of 2008. I had been in constant discomfort for a solid month. A single, large, thrombosed hemorrhoid was ruining my quality of life. And it was getting worse by the day. I couldn't sit properly. I couldn't sleep properly. I sure as shit couldn't shit properly! The bastard growing on the side of my chocolate balloon knot was about the size of a smaller grape ... and about the same color as well.
After i realized it was probably becoming apparent that i was standing up and sitting down slower than usual i had to go see a doc. Twice. Both visits went about as awkward as i expected. They seemed too embarrassed to want to discuss my unfortunate situation. Prescribed me some cream and sent me on my way in about 60 seconds. Obviously that did not work. Falling asleep that night was terrible because my ass felt wet and even more uncomfortable. So much for that solution.
Another week went by and i decided I had had enough. In a full sober state, i entered a pharmacy and five minutes later walked out with rubbing alcohol, shaving razor, cotton balls and the biggest tube of polysporin they sold. I didn't eat much that day and told myself this was going to be my last excruciatingly painful shit i ever take in my life. Later that night I went to my bathroom, got naked below the waist and placed a mirror on the bathroom counter. I thew one leg on the counter over the mirror and stared at my purple enemy >:-(. I disassembled the Bic shaving razor and placed the 5 individual blades into rubbing alcohol. Used the same alcohol to clean my purple bastard friend. This was instant regret. The first thing that came to mind was the story of those Russian kids getting drunk by pouring vodka in their asses instead of drinking it .... i have no idea how that's possible. The rubbing alcohol stung my chocolate starfish so bad i almost gave up on the whole thing.
With everything clean and a with strong desire to live in comfort again I grabbed one of the blades. I put it on my purple little grape and with Samurai-like quickness gave it clean slice. Success! Didn't feel a thing. Things were going good. It started to bleed dark and obviously coagulated blood. Gross, but a good sign. The worst was yet to come though. Out of fear of opening a large wound i couldn't cut again. But the size of the small hole was not enough to remove the clotted blood. It would have to be done manually.
Like a large, uncomfortable pimple, I gave it a squeeze I clenched my teeth and gave it a good squeeze. I almost passed out. The pain was unbearable. A blood clot the size of a penny fell on to the mirror and grabbed the towel rack to stop myself from passing out and hitting the floor.
When my tunnel vision disappeared so did the pain. The bleeding didn't, but at least the discomfort was gone. Oh how nice it felt even with a slow stream of blood flowing from my asshole. I grabbed the cotton pads and applied pressure kept switching them out every half minute or so. After a couple of minutes things were looking good. Bleeding had stopped! I applied a liberal amount of Polysporin to that sucker and hoped for the best. I went to bed.
My ass again felt wet and goopy and but falling asleep wasn't as bad since i was in way less discomfort. I did, however, have a dream i was in prison and i was raped and that the goopy feeling on my ass was some dudes semen. I did not enjoy that. But i woke up and convinced myself there was nothing gay about this and that my brain was just retarded. Continued to sleep. Woke up in the morning like a new man. Discomfort was gone. Bleeding was minimal. Polysporin was doing its thing. Wondered why i hadn't done this earlier.
I felt great but dreaded my next poop. Thankfully an empty stomach delayed my next poop long enough for my butthole to heal up. There was no drama. Things went well. In fact, things went so well that when this bastard's ugly cousin reared its head again in 2013 i did the same thing. Except this time I didn't wait in agony for a month before taking matters into my own hands. It was another success. My ass has been discomfort and rubbing alcohol free for 3 years now.
TL;DR Had a hemorrhoid that two doctors refused to look at. Removed both myself with a shaving razor. Went on to live comfortly ever after.