I feel so disposable, like I'm no one's first, second, third or even fourth choice. I feel a bit better today but I cried all day yesterday and two nights ago. I couldn't even get to school.

This year, I lost my relationship with my first love, I maintained NC with my birth mom, my stepmom abused me and my siblings verbally and psychologically (+ lowkey forced me to move out before I was ready), I got burnt out at a job that didn't value me, had my first ever panic attacks, my best friend of 9 years backstabbed me by making demeaning jokes about my sexlife (with my first love) and these are just the "highlights" of this year. There is a lot more.

I know people say that "you have to love yourself", etc but I've been unconditionally loving myself for 2 years and it can not replace the loneliness of feeling like you have no one in your court. Self love can not replace the love and support of another person, we are social creatures after all. But I've never felt like anyone's priority. I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of being the only one loving me. I just want to be vulnerable and soft without that meaning me being taken advantage of and having my heart broken. I know what to do about it but I just needed to get it off my chest.