Honestly, he's still better than me. I'm 25 and have been attracted to the same girl, who was my best friend since childhood, for over a decade. We're both so alike and have similar dreams and interests. Both of us have trouble with our fathers, so there's a mutual understanding there. Honestly, she's the only person I've ever trusted so completely.

I eventually figured out those feelings of attraction, and saw to it that we drifted apart. To say, my father's an ass, and I noticed I have many of the same qualities, and, for those in addition to others, I thought it would be for the best. We kept friendly, but physical contact decreased, and we did not talk much for years. Currently, she's several states over for school.

I've been depressed for the past few years. I finished college, but the fire I had in me once has died. She's had various boyfriends, while, for various reasons, I've not wanted to open up or risk hurting anyone. Even then, there's so few people that interest me, I thought I was gay or asexual for a while. It turns out I'm just extremely picky and have high standards. She really set the standard for how I think about people.

One day, during this past holiday season, I began thinking about her: about how far away she was, and how distant we'd become. The thoughts lasted through the day. I cried in the shower, truly sobbed, like I hadn't in years. It's been over three months, and she's the first thing I think of waking up, and the last thing I think of before I drift to sleep.

My psychologist actually mentioned how highly I talked about her, and suggested I call her. I knew she was off doing what she talked about when we were kids, pursuing higher education in medicine, but she's the same as ever. It's like no time has passed at all.

Just talking to her lifts a weight I have been carrying for years. We've been chatting on the phone at least once a week, and text in-between. Her mother has complained she doesn't talk with her that much. She's the only one I ever really shared my problems with, and frankly, gives me a window into what my life could be like if I can get over the various ways in which my confidence in myself has been shattered. I'm learning I'm more than my father's son. For the first time in years, I feel great, and she's inspired me to pursue many of the hobbies I put down or was scared to pursue when we were teenagers.

The fears I once had about her have gone, and left are the warm, snug feelings I get whenever she messages me on the phone. I'm even visiting her in a few weeks. She has a boyfriend, and, due to the difference in age, just a few years, she might just think of me as her little brother. Still, whatever the case, I'm just glad she's in my life and is living well. Honestly, I think this is what love is supposed to feel like.

Considering how much shared history we have together, you might be wondering why I don't just grow a pair and tell her. Well, to be honest, there's one huge reason: She's my first cousin.

The fact that my first love is someone who I'm culturally not supposed to feel for, but also someone who is constantly dangled in front of me, is a tragedy I've tried to get over. My family stays very close, and, even if it weren't for my current mindset, I hear about her every other week.

I've tried for years to get over her. At the same time I've been in contact with her, I've tried to go back to dating. Like before, I just can't get up enthusiasm for anyone else.

Frankly, I don't know what to do. It's tied me in knots, but I've come to terms with the fact that I may not ever get over her. I've been making friends, socializing, and getting out with other people, but she's still the one person I think about. She's the one that gave me that strength again, though so, all things considered, I am eternally grateful she is in my life.