I was engaged already when I met her. Let's call her Jill. We worked together at a behavioral health center for kids, every shift, nearly every day. She was gorgeous and even being engaged to an already gorgeous girl, she still caught my eye.

But I'd like to really emphasize here that she had absolutely nothing to do with me and my ex's seperation. She had a kid of her own already, and was trying to work it out with the father, ya know, for their daughter's sake. I admired her for it because, from my protagonist perspective, the guy was kind of a loser and she was way out of his league.

Anyway, after an almost two year engagement, my fiancée and I decided it was best not to go through with it. By then, I had worked with Jill for a year and half, probably more, and had gotten to know her very well. From a bunch of us hanging out outside of work--in which my fiancée came unless she was studying--to just talking at work, I realized this girl was amazing, and with the mix of personality and natural allure, brought a whole new definition to the word beauty.

We got along so well from day one. It was easy with her, and now I was single. I wasn't going to try to slither my way in their relationship, or anything, especially after just getting out of mine, but one of the nurses, and her good friend, saw us together, how we complimented each other, and it helped she didn't like her current boyfriend.

She told me, "Just be patient, they won't last."

I didn't care too much. I wasn't in a good place fresh off a bad break up, but at the same time, the thought of being with her grew on me. More time passed, and more nights we'd call "safety meetings" where everyone would go get drunk after our shift with the psychotic children, showed our compatibility. Until one night she called me after the bars had closed, and most were still sleeping but her and I. I was at home in bed when the phone rang.

This was Jill: "Hey what are you doing?"

"Um, not much, just ya know, laying in bed cause it's 2:30."

She laughs, "Yeah, listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Me and Jack got in huge fight when I got home tonight and I kicked him out. I like you a lot. We have such a strong connection and I know you know it, too. I just have so much fun with you."

I answered her nearly the same things she was saying. I was so excited; my heart trying to thump out of my chest. Our conversation flowed like one between old friends and it was nearly 5:30 before we got off the phone.

"So what do we do now?" She asked

"I'm not sure, really. I'd like to start hangin out for sure, see if--"

"Hang on. Oh, Jack just came back. Dammit, I gotta go, I'll see you back at work tomorrow. Good night." She said, and I could tell she was smiling on the other side, not because Jack was home, but because her and I saw eye-to-eye on everything, and it was a new beginning for both of us.

A week went by, and we only saw each other at work. At the end of it she told me we had to talk. I knew this wasn't good.

"Listen, you know my feelings for you, but ultimately my daughter comes first. I want her to be apart of a family, and that's what Jack wants."

"But that's not what you want, at least not him."

"No, but I do want her to have her father around."

So, we admired each other from afar. Things got worse for myself for other reasons; I left the state to go be with family and sort of, restart my life. Before I left we all had one more safety meeting, one final goodbye for me. After all it was said and done, it was her and I in the darkened parking lot alone, while the snow lightly feel against her black hair.

"I can't believe you're leaving me," She said jokingly.

I paused for a long while and swallowed hard, "I don't have to leave you."

She sighed, "You know I can't"

I had a lot of booze that night, mostly because I had planned to say this two weeks prior and needed the courage, "I'm in love with you."

She looked shocked, "No you're not."

"Jill, we've worked together almost three years. I know you better than most, and I know you're one of the better people I've met. I also know you feel the same way about me."

She looked down at the ground for what seemed like minutes, "Yeah, I know, but I just can't. My daughter..you know?"

We hugged, something very uncommon for us because we knew our feelings for each other, and we knew everyone else knew, so we kept any contact off limits. We embraced for nearly five minutes under the snowfall before she left by saying, "Good luck in Utah."

She continued to be with Jack. She would text me here and there, wondering how I was. I the same, but that was it and it eventually stopped. Family time was fine, but I wondered about her constantly. I texted, she texted back nearly right away. The connection was faint but back, or so I thought.

"We're getting married this summer," was what what I read.

My stomach sunk and I faked happiness for her while querying about her situation with Jack. She said they were better than they ever had been. Probably because I was out of the way, finally; the antagonist to Jack's story. I decided after about 8 months it was enough family time and moved myself back to my home state, but a different city with some close friends.

I didn't last long in my new place to figure out it wasn't what I wanted to do. I told her her I had planned to go back with my family to try school out again. Jill got married to Jack, and that was that, until I got the text few months after their wedding, "Hey can I call you sometime. I want to talk."

The phone rang. I picked up, "Hey what's up? How are you?"

"I'm doing well," and we went over the normal pleasantries of a normal conversation, then she shifted it quickly, "I've been thinking about you a lot lately, what we had, or almost had. It was really special. Two people don't find that connection everyday.

I agreed, "I feel the same way and think about you alot, but you're married now, Jill. Why are you telling me this? Especially now?

"I don't know, maybe because I don't know know what I'm doing. Because I miss you. I miss you alot. Even without how we feel, just our friendship. Things were easy for us and work was easy, and I don't know. This was stupid." She began to talk herself out of whatever she was saying or doing.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I was in no place to move back there, be with her and raise a child. She took my silence as an answer and after talking to me about me moving away again, she hung up.

A week later I get a text, "Hey I was thinking, on your drive back down to Utah, do you want to have lunch or something?"

"Of course, but why?"

"I just want to say goodbye, one last time."

"Okay, sounds good."

After being heavily advised by my friends not to do it, and going back and forth for almost two weeks, self reflecting, I texted her.

"Listen, I don't think we should meet up."

"Why? Why not?"

"I...I just still have really strong feelings for you, and I know you feel the same. It wouldn't be appropriate. Besides, I might do something stupid like tell you we should be together, and that I love you again."

"Lol, yeah, but that wouldn't be so bad, right? But, I suppose you're right. I was really looking forward to seeing you, though. Take care and text me if you ever need anything."

And that was that, besides a Happy New Years text.

Believe it or not, this the very short version. I mean, this story is years in the making. I realize no one is going to read this but I needed to let it go.

The tragedy here is--and I know it's hardly tragic to anyone but myself--that two people who built a love over years, a love without physical contact and strictly emotion, a love very strong yet so fragile, will never get to share that love together because of circumstance.