I guess I just hadn’t thought of it earlier. But I am pretty solidly convinced that the event had huge impacts on my sexuality. I think it contributed to some extremely unhealthy behaviors/preferences/fetishes and while I had never really devoted deep thought to the idea of my being “just not a boob man” it does kind of make sense in a rather frightening way. It’s a pretty cruel concept that an abuser could basically “imprint” paradigms of attractiveness to a child. But indeed there is ample evidence of similar patterns in other contexts; people who are abused routinely seek out people who resemble their abusers in various ways, whether behaviorally or physically.

One could argue, though, that diminished libido in a CSA victim could be a positive genetic trait, kind of a protective response that could serve to actually diminish generational perpetuation of abuse. But I would find it sad if that person was ultimately able to successfully end my genetic line just in a brief episode that wasn’t even physically violent. I really hope that doesn’t turn out to be the case. And I haven’t been short of sex or sex partners, just careful with birth control. I have had many opportunities to “spread seed” if that was really a priority to me; it’s just that, with my own background, I’m maybe a little extra attentive to not wanting to have a kid with the wrong person.