I really hope things get better for you, modaa. A lot of the feelings and situations you've described are immediately relatable for me.

I'm not a victim of an abusive relationship in the way you experienced, but I was the emotional and physical punching bag for my stepmother. I was a male teenager between 13-16 at the time. Still male, not a teenager.

I was lucky in that I got out of that situation due to complete chance, but those experiences impacted my life for years after I'd escaped. For years, I had no contact with my father due to the way he just let these things happen.

At some point, I came to the realisation that the person who did this wasn't thinking about me. It was never about me. It was about their sense of empowerment and control over someone with less of a voice than themselves. While it might not make much sense, that moment was kind of cathartic for me, as I lost my reason for harbouring the anger, fear and despair that was inflicted by her. I came to the conclusion that it was one thing to know that what happened in the past is not okay and should never be allowed to happen again, but by keeping these emotions in my head and heart long after the events have stopped, was really only making sure she 'won', in the end.

Sorry for this long and largely irrelevant wall, I hope that somewhere soon down the line, things can return to some semblance of normality for you.