But how else am I supposed to satisfy my incessant cravings for immediate gratification due to the gaping hole that is my self-confidence? Jesus.. I mean being a pretentious, patronizing piece of garbage isn't something I can control anymore; it's a lifestyle. Stop shaming me for being who I am!

Also, if you were abused growing up, it was definitely your fault and had nothing to with the fact that your parents were absolutely batshit crazy, narcasistic, a-wall fucktards with zero moral compass. Now, get back in your hole and somehow make me feel better about myself by enduring an entirely traumatizing childhood administered by yours truly. But always remember.. It's because I love you :)

cough satire cough