Hmm, ok, I'll try..

You mean these parts specifically?

The only time I'm relaxed, truly, deeply, is in the solace that 'arrives'/intervenes, is Present, in meditative contemplation and attunement in/as/to God, or the 'la petite mort[1] ' found in sex, in the context of love and (a) marriage-like relationship (I experience anxiety to the point of dissociation and somatization after the Barthian sense of this notion, in terms of engagement with literature. Immersion in fiction/s brings friction and striction to the point of dis-traction[2] , in these terms: "mental distress or derangement:, division or disorder caused by dissension; tumult.").

and;

Embodiment, agency-as-creative manifestation, and self-consciousness in general, is an earthquake zone.

?

If you do, this is what I intended to convey:

That my sense of 'I' is never relaxed generally, and resides in what in Attachment theory is called an "insecure base" (and 'disorganized/disoriented' attachment style, after John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth). This has been linked to trauma in my childhood.

I generally can't relax most of the time and I usually experience moment-to-moment sentience as being present to varying degrees and waves of anxiety, dissociation and fear (this type of state and response, "emotional dysregulation", has been with me most of my life and has only lessened to a more manageable and less disabling response relatively recently).

I find I do relax fully, thoughout my body (and) mind, either post-orgasm or when in a mystical state attune to God through contemplative practices.

When engaged in production (writing and art in particular. My vocation is as an artist), or eating, walking, exercising, watching films, listening to music, experiencing a lecture, reading books, interacting with other people in groups or singularly, walking around on streets or out at cafes or events, washing dishes, dealing with other domestic tasks, showering, and so on, I experience varying degrees of anxiety that is a kind of stress. If it is sustained I eventually dissociate or experience fear states. I am never able to relax in or across any of these kinds of situations.

Socially and externally the places I relax the most in, and experience a degree of fun through, is in nature or in a bookstore, (usually second-hand, metaphysical or rare books shops, not chain and ms stores).

Was that any clearer? :)