maaan it goes like this:
wake up, feel like garbage and just kinda keep sleeping
get on my stupid goddamn phone instead of becoming upright
berate myself for being so addicted to reddit
do this for entirely too long
so at this point it's like 12 o clock or something and I just hate myself. maybe I get up to pee and use that to stay up- thank goodness. other times it's like I've gotta defile myself if I want a good enough reason to shower. on the way there I catch that the litter box needs changing, so maybe I do that. or maybe I don't.
okay none of this was related at all, the point was that I don't like taking it without food, and I don't like eating first thing in the morning. so then it get's too late to take it anyways by the time I get around to eating something.
I don't know why I don't think about my meds first thing in the morning. I guess don't I think about anything in the morning that isn't just self-loathing nonsense pity. Like, it's 1:30 now and I'm still only like 1/3rd through this soup/chili stuff. I toasted 4 slices of white bread with it- why the fuck did I think I wanted or needed 4 slices of bread? Sure, I'm trying to get rid of it and "food is food or whatever" but like jeez, I do that shit al the time.
And I'm not even eating right now. I was just discussing Beyonce's discography with a friend and bullshitting on the internet. Just letting my shit get cold. I don't know man I just tire myself out in the mornings if everything isn't PERFECT and I hate that about myself. What helps is having some sort of plan I'm excited about in the morning, but the only goals I have right now that are in any way exciting to me are music production related. I can never decide what I want to do in that regard- my biggest problem is finishing anything because there's this mountain of choices you have to make the entire way through... every step is met with such resistance. I get the wind knocked out of me. So I try to think of what I want to do in the morning to get myself going early (more time for activities! a good day!) and end up just scribbling furiously through my journal when I can't decide upon what I should do next. Then instead of going to bed maybe I'll just stay up for several hours trying to watch a movie and getting distracted by my goddamn phone 20 minutes in.
I'm sorry - once I got started it felt kinda good to let go of. Though that's hardly what it feels like. More like just bubbling up and spewing.
But yeah I've just not been good with eating consistently in the morning and I tie taking my meds to eating my first meal due to stomach issues. I also have a bit of a dependency on weed at this point, which may be complicating things. It's helpful to get myself to eat earlier, but obviously not the best solution over an extended period of time.
I guess when I have nothing to do I don't think about my meds, I just think about whatever is immediately affecting my life and my comfort. I just respond to my feelings and give them so much weight, when they change on a dime and are so easily affected by the world around me.
I've obviously completely overdone this and probably didn't even answer you question- must seem crazy as well but if anywhere I feel safer being that way here.