Sometimes it is a very frustrating urge I feel in my chest. It is this mix of passion and raw desire that causes this spreading warmth in my heart mixed with anticipation because I cannot act on it usually. It can make me a little restless. It can overcome me and be all I think about for a few days until I work it out. It's this weird zone I get into where I just need to act. I havent had a partner in over a year, so you can imagine.

When it is somehow satisfied by watching (usually) or acting(rare) it's pure excitement. The sight is like a nice painting or something to treasure. My body reacts initially and I just emotionally get very excited. It makes me have more passionate aggressive urges to act and a need to escalate it. Unfortunately, I can give in before thinking and I've accidentally gone past limit on the whim. I immediately was like "oh my god i'm an asshole," and never repeated it. And even cried once cos I felt really bad, but it wasnt like an actual harmful thing. I just overreacted and my partner was like "yo, it's fine. Chill"

It get aroused most easily when seeing or fantasizing about pain. In deep fantasy or watching, my abdomen gets really tight with this sharp hot sensation that goes from my low abdomen to the U of my ribcage. Sometimes it's like a mini orgasm, and I have to repress a verbal reaction. Sometimes my body sort of reacts even when I dont view it as necessarily sexual, which is odd. I'm gay but sometimes my body reacts to pain of the opposite sex just because it's pain. As long as I dont sense they enjoy it, I like it. If the opposite sex makes it sexual it really grosses me out. My sadism has no gender preference as long as any pain I witness done to the opposite sex is asexual for them (ie: a person on a show getting branded and screaming will make my body react and get me excited, but it's asexual for that person, so it doesnt gross me out).

Sometimes it feels like i'm just so excited and manic with this need to be compulsive that I cannot contain myself. Obviously, I contain myself but I have to like fix it and work it out eventually or i'll be very pacey and restless.

When I am able to let go and act on my urges, it feels like this huge weight was lifted and it's so cathartic.

Sometimes I also feel a weird pride in being so creatively fucked up and take pride in being able to scare someone. It makes my heart warm and makes me smile a lot.