There's really no eloquent, even decent way to put this. I had growing desires of anal sex with extremely endowed specimens - but because I had roommates and I was in a heterosexual relationship I couldn't purchase/keep a dildo in my house; so I had to resort to household items - which is actually a lot harder than you think.
I tried various silverware handles, all sorts of tools, most of the soap containers in the bathroom, flashlights, even the broomstick handle. Everything was either too small, too rough, jagged; nothing safe or even remotely pleasurable to use.
The closest thing I could find was a larger sized shampoo bottle that I had earlier dismissed because it was just too big. But the tip was much like a penis, a smooth plastic piece that eased seamlessly onto the bottle - but it was pretty wide. Much wider than anything I was considering. But given my lack of options, and my apparent cock lust - I proceeded to try.
So I stripped naked, got in bed on a towel - lubed up, starting the second biggest object (I don't even remember what that was now this fuckup was so bad) to get myself ready for the big shampoo bottle. After a few minutes I felt I was ready.
The shampoo bottle was big so I gobbed the thing in lube - was going to need all the lube I could get to get this thing inside me. The problem was because I had lube all over this thing, and all over my hands- I couldn't get a grip on it, which made trying to shove it inside myself impossible. I must have laid there for 5 minutes trying to grip this thing to shove in my ass. I even tried to wipe it off, but it was no use.
In frustration I decided to try something different. Instead of laying on my side, I decided I was going to basically sit on it - that way it would be firmly pressed against the bed, and I could just ease onto it.
I knew this thing was big, but it wasn't until I lined up to try and sit on it I realized just how big. This was going to be a stretch, literally - and i cannot deny, knowing it was big turned me on even more. I began to ease myself down onto it.
Immediately I could feel it pressing against my asshole, it was just so big. I tried moving in and out, back and forth - I kept getting the tip in, but where the lid seamed with the bottle it got slightly wider- and that slightly wider part was apparently TOO big to get in.
I was convinced I could get it in, although things were starting to get a bit sore. I imagined myself getting shoved down and having this thing shoved in me - and somewhere during fantasy/reality, my legs slipped - and I fell, full weight onto the shampoo bottle - which DID go in my ass, about halfway before I landed enough to roll to my side and immediately take it out.
Blood. Lots and lots of blood- I had split my asshole.
I was so embarrassed I couldn't bring myself to tell anybody. I went to the bathroom, made a man-pad for my underwear - and just held my bleeding asshole until it stopped bleeding. I had my cell phone out ready to hit call on 911 incase I started to feel like I was losing consciousness - which thankfully did not happen.
I sat there for probably 30-40 minutes, then I used water and peroxide (god damn that was awful, and probably wrong to do)- to clean my asshole best I could. Then I was started playing a game of wait and see. I could still pass gas, so I knew everything still worked - it's not like it became detached or something (THANK GOD). But my God, was my asshole sore. I couldn't sit, I couldn't fart, I couldn't eat. I could hardly think over the pain of my throbbing asshole.
The pain part lasted several weeks where I luckily healed - how without antibiotics or surgery I'll never know. But it seriously fucked me up for months. And the worst part was I was so embarrassed I couldn't tell anyone, not my closest friends, family, girlfriend. I just told them I was feeling a bit sick, stomach bug - and no one questioned it. Little did they know I was walking around with a busted bleeding oozing asshole.
TL:DR Was trying to put a giant shampoo bottle up my ass when I slipped and split my asshole open - blood everywhere. So embarrassed I couldn't tell anyone, luckily I didn't die.