First of all thank you for your response. I do apologize right up front almost every time. Shit I apologize because when I get upset about something, it upsets her. Sometimes it does take me a minute to get it and I’ll admit that. But if I don’t get that she’s upset I don’t know to apologize or even explain that hurting her wasn’t my intention. And I’m not trying to minimize it I’m just trying to show how sometimes I get surprised that whatever it was is actually hurtful. It’s just when she says my apologies don’t mean anything because I did or said whatever on purpose that I try to explain that my intentions were never to hurt her. A lot of it has to do with miscommunication too not just one of us fucking up. If we both didn’t understand each other then further communication is necessary and if she won’t listen to me after I listen to her without calling me a manipulator it just shuts me down. Like almost every issue ends with me being called a gaslighter and then I just shut down and accept being the bad guy even when it was me that brought up my hurt feelings on the first place. But not expressing my feelings is just getting to me and I’m second guessing every thought and feeling I have as to whether it’s manipulative or hurtful. Maybe my side is invalid. I really don’t know.