I have only self harmed one time in my life and it was bad. I had just gotten out of the psychiatric hospital after being treated for depression. I am not sure how to describe it but I had a breaking point. I scratched a scab on the side/inside of my wrist near the base of my thumb and seeing the blood was very soothing, so I continued to scratch at it to watch the blood flow. Wheen scratching wasn't enough I reached for scissors and snipped away at the skin watching the blood flow. Eventually snipping my skin off wasn't enough so I started slicing with the scissor blades until blood started running down my hand and dripping off my fingers. Eventually this wasn't enough and my mind was pushing me for more and daring me to cut deeper and making the blood run faster. I press hard on the blade and slowly saw deep down into my flesh. I feel resistance then blood starts gushing out aroung the blade like a broken faucet. I grab a rag and wrap it around my wrist putting alot of pressure as blood quickly starts soaking through the rag so I grab a hand towel wrap it around my wrist and hold my hand above my head. After 20 minutes blood has started to soak through the towel but seems to have stopped. I take a look and the faucet of blood shoots down my wrist and starts dribbling off my fingers down to the floor. I quickly press the towel back into the wound. The cut is really deep, I need stitches, and I realized I might have just nicked/cut my radial artery and start panicking. I am in deep shit, the bleeding won't stop, and I need medical attention. I should go to the ER, but I don't want to get admitted back to the psych ward so I decide to stop the bleeding myself. I grab a lighter, light it, and hold it under the handle of the metal fork on my desk until it is hot. I then press the hot handle into the cut the blood bubbles and burns along with my flesh I feel a sharp pain followed by nothing as the hot metal starts to char the cut and my flesh black. I do this twice and successfully get the cut to stop bleeding. Having that wound heal was grim and it required a lot of painful cleaning and wiping away dead flesh to prevent infection. I had instant regrete with the realization of what I did.

Self harm is not a cry for attention. Mental illness takes over your mind and makes you destroy yourself. This is the one and only time in my life that I have ever self harmed. The whole time I was cutting I felt the pain but the pain didn't register with my brain as something bad or uncomfortable like any sound, smell, taste, or sight would register with the brain. I am doing alot better but thought I might share this story to help out anyone who is struggling with or is hsving a hard time understanding why someone would self harm.