Ok I have what I assume is sort of a unique situation. I mean... in the sense that I'm in my 30s and this is the first time I've had it and I've never heard about it before.
So... I have like.. jock itch.. in my arm pits. I assume it's jock itch because I used to have that and it looks and feels the same. I'm lying because I still sort of have it but I have to do a really really hard regiment of like 6 different creams and powders just to keep it at bay, which means I still itch but I can keep it to a dull fucking catastrophe by basically caking my body in chemicals.
Well, apparently one night I must have scratched my balls and then scratched under my arms because all the sudden I wake up with itchy pits. I think nothing of it, but then it happens more and more until that same feeling of sublime satisfaction of scratching itchy groin is now translated to a new groin times 2 and you now have groins in your pits.
I developed a rash. Itchy approximately every 10 seconds. If you don't scratch, all thought processes cease and you MUST SCRATCH. So I do. While asleep. And hard. Like draw blood hard.
So... I wake up and do my do, and then it comes time to apply deodorant.
I use antiperspirant because I sweat pretty good and I'm liable to have the kind of B.O. that'll cause self-confidence issues in the skunk population around here.
I apply it.
ALL FUCKING HELL, FIRE AND BRIMSTONE ERUPTS IN THE PITS OF TORTURE. It's difficult to explain the torture of itch and burn at the same time, so I won't. Let me just say that it's mind-blowingly horrible.
So there I am, ripping off my work shirt and frantically scrubbing my pits with a wet rag trying to get the goddamn deodorant off and I finally get it all off not even caring about the B.O. anymore, sigh of relief and go to work. Only problem is, I don't wear under shirts because otherwise I sweat, so even my washed work shirts have years of built-in deodorant on the pit area and this goes right into the raw jock-itch-pits-of-doom, feeding back into the system of torture.
So for about the past month I've basically been in hell and I don't know what to do. I itch my pits, and it makes it worse. If I totally go natural, everyone around me dies.
This is not the super power I wanted.