Five years ago I drove myself to a detox facility at 6am. I woke up after years of alcohol abuse and two solid years of a fifth of vodka per day and said enough. On the way there, a million thoughts ran through my mind. “Turn around. You feel normal. You’re fine. Don’t do this today. You need one more good night of drinking and then you can sober up.” When I arrived, they took my bac - .23. I felt normal at .23.
There are so many excuses I gave myself for drinking. I had been laid off, I had been sexually assaulted five years earlier, I suffered a miscarriage, I let my weight get totally out of control, I lived across the country from my family, etc. The biggest lie I told myself was that I was lonely. I drank because I was lonely but I was lonely because I drank. I didn’t want anyone to see how bad it had gotten, or smell it on my breath. I’d make plans with friends only to cancel because I had already drank too much or hadn’t drank enough and wanted to stay home to get drunk. The only time I went out was to get more alcohol. I rotated grocery stores for my vodka and demised intricate plans to throw out the bottles without my husband hearing them clank in the trash. I’d drive around with black trash bags full of empty bottles looking for open dumpsters. It was bad and I was really sick.
I threw up blood almost every day. I wanted to stop but every time I quit, I’d get the shakes and sweats. I would rather drink than feel any of that, so the cycle continued. I was in the hospital twice for excruciating pain in my abdomen and my liver enzyme levels were out of control. I knew what I was doing was preventing me from having a family and from being healthy but I didn’t know how to quit.
I spent four nights in detox and then went to an outpatient rehab facility for eight weeks. It wasn’t easy but it does get easier.
Still to this day, I don’t know why I chose this day to quit. Bad things were happening, my marriage was failing, but I couldn’t give you a “rock bottom” moment that I leaned on. I just woke up and said no more. NO FUCKING MORE. Two weeks into rehab, I found out that I was pregnant. We had conceived the night before I left for detox. I thank God every day that I chose this day.
Today I have three beautiful babies, a husband that has stayed by my side and my health. I get to be a sober mom to my children. At the beginning of the year, I challenged myself to lose all that alcohol and baby weight that had been lingering. I’m down 45 pounds, feel strong and have so much more energy.
Today my story is happy, but I’m aware that it could change at any time. I’m not cured, I’m just living happily with a disease. I wanted to share my story because I know there are so many people waking up this morning who want to quit. Believe me, I KNOW it’s not easy but you need to stop. No excuse in the world is going to keep you alive. There doesn’t need to be a rock bottom to get help. Quit today, right now. Google “detox facility,” call them, pack your things and go. Your life can get better.