You're focused on idealized fantasies. My parents chose the son who sexually abused me for decades because it was easier than believing they created a liar than a sexual predator. Every single thanksgiving and christmas and birthday I have spent alone, debating on whether or not to kill myself. My brother has tried to rape or sexually assault me on each of those days and no one gave a damn. And those 3 events occur within the same 30 days. Parents don't need drugs to fuck up their children, and it says a hell of a lot more about your parents than about you.

No one visited me after my suicide attempt, my family mocked me for "pulling a Britney" or solidifying my slot as the crazy person in their life. not a single friend ever brought it up. Because people don't know what to say and are too scared of pushing you back into such a fragile state. They're human and they're scared.

There are a million different reasons million different people might do the same thing but not all of those reasons are because you're not good enough.

I really think you could benefit from regular therapy. You deserve to love yourself. And when you do, you can get through anything. I more than most people know how true that is. I may not like my life or the person I've become, but I love my character and integrity and no one can take that. It's enough to get me through each day, so I can enjoy the few things that give me joy.