What fucked up realizations have you had about yourself recently?

This might make you all hate me, but for the longest time when I was a kid, I thought I was just different with how I saw people. I noticed once, in a rare moment of insight, how if my best friend did a good thing, I loved them. A bad thing, they were hated, or 'dead' to me. And I mean dead as in for me, it's like they weren't there. I guess you can see where this is going. There's a lot of things that happen to lead you there but I got diagnosed with borderline. I view the world very very, nastily and I'm not scared to say that. I can sense the kind of people that will be 'open' to me. I view relationships between people in terms of power, and my brain is very good at coming up with ways of manipulating people. The manipulation isn't meant to be mean though-often times it's to manipulate some emotional response, usually affection. A very scary thing about my disorder for me, and I'm not sure if this goes for other people. When I love someone, it's painful. If I stop loving them-they do something that makes me see them differently-and if can be a huge event or a small event-they are gone. Very literally gone. I cannot remember being in love with my ex. At all. Or even really my time with him. And it means that I can do awful, awful things to people sometimes, because the emotional response to that isn't there. I get sad sometime,s because I didn't want to stop loving the person, but my head has said so now, and the curtain is closed. This might get dos voted because I'm clearly horrible, but I don't actually want to hurt people. It's just that I'm trying to attain something that I didn't realise I was setting out to do all wrong.

/r/AskReddit Thread