Witnessing what the loss of my sister did to my parents.

My sister had cerebral palsy and the doctors told my mom she likely wouldn’t make it past 12. That didn’t prevent her death at 12 years old from being any less devastating though. My dad lost his religion for awhile, my mom was an absolute mess. In a way, I feel like she saved me... several times over now, to be honest. Part of what drives people to commit suicide is the thought that no one will miss them when they’re gone anyways... I have never been able to feel that way, even at my absolute lowest, even when I really want to. It’s felt like a curse at times, but after seeing what the impact of losing a child had on my parents, I cannot in good conscience convince myself that they’d rather I was dead. So even at my lowest, loneliest, saddest, and most distressed, I know at the end of the day there will always be two people who would give anything to prevent having to arrange my funeral. I think about it an unfortunate amount, but it gives me strength sometimes to remember. I have to wake up tomorrow and keep living whether I like it or not. No parent should have to bury a child, so I’ll do everything in my power to prevent mine from burying two.