I hear ya, and I do appreciate the kick in the ass. And you are definitely right, I'm simply just not trying to make friends.
I hate to blame it on the depression I've been dealing with for 19 years but I don't really know what else to blame it on. I've had social problems nearly my entire life, since 8th grade to be exact. My childhood friends all moved away during that time and I was left with nothing. It was really quite amazing, I had 5-6 really good close friends at that age and within the span of 8 months they all up and moved. Just like that. Poof. So I was friendless up until senior year of high school. Not having any friends during that age really kind of sucks ass. You kind of feel like an outcast and your life is nothing more than going to school and sleeping 16 hours a day. Felt like a wasted childhood.
I used to get a lot of the 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' stuff from my parents around that time. Also a lot of yelling and aggravation from my parents such as 'your life sucks' and 'your wasting your childhood'. I wasn't able to pick myself up and head on over to so and so's house because frankly I didn't really know anyone. But what was worse was that I couldn't even muster up the motivation to even want to try. I felt like my friends leaving me was a bad breakup and no group of friends will ever be the same so why even try? Plus it got to the point where I was content with coming home from school and going straight to bed. It was lonely as fuck, and I got jealous at school when I saw people with friends but I didn't know any way out of it.
Being that young I didn't really know about depression so I just thought that is who I was and those were the cards dealt to me. My parents apparently didn't really know about depression either, they are the type of people that think someone can just stop being sad if they choose to be. You should see some of their Facebook posts. Makes me want to bash my head against the wall 'I'm a happy person because every morning I wake up and tell myself to be happy!' or some shit like that. I guess that can explain the 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' comments. Just stop eh? Just like that? That's like asking my overweight beer-bellied father to drop what he is doing and do the splits. You just can't do it, it's just not that easy.
Later on, in my senior year of high school days, I miraculously made some friends. But it wasn't the same, it wasn't what I imagined it to be like. Maybe the term is social anxiety, I don't know, but there are many cases where going out with them felt like such a huge chore and not even worth it in most cases. I got used to isolation and being alone and breaking that habit and the sheer comfort of it was not easy. There were so many occasions during that time where I would do everything in my power to come up with some bullshit excuse just so I could be alone and not have to go out with them. I remember one instance where my roommates were throwing a party and I locked myself in my room. People would pound on my door and tell me to come hang out but I would remain silent like I wasn't in there pretending I couldn't hear them. I would even piss in empty beer bottles in my room just to avoid going out of my room to use the bathroom because I was terrified of socializing with someone. What? Why? Didn't make sense to me. One time I even ran into a friend of mine at a Blockbuster (fuck ya, blockbuster) and I pretended I wasn't myself. I pretended I actually had an identical twin brother and he was talking to the twin. Pretty sure he didn't buy it. All this to avoid any kind of social interaction.
I'm fucking weird man.
Fast forward to present day, I'm 32 and live with my dog, he's rad. I feel like I'm aware of what depression is and I know what will help me get out of it, but I can't do it. I have no motivation to do so. Isolation is comforting to me and mostly all I know. I tried pills and counseling and had some success. The side effects and sheer frustration of finding the right pill combo drove me insane though. I was on celexa and abilify for 3 years, and while it kept me from being depressed, it sucked every little piece of joy out of my life as well. Nothing was fun, I got zero enjoyment out of everything. I was a downer. I actually went on a surf trip with some old friends of mine and wanted nothing more then to turn around and go lay on my couch. Seriously, laying on my fucking pleather couch was more appealing to me than going on a fucking surf trip up the coast of California, staying in hotels and camping and drinking with friends. I look back on that trip today and it makes me want to break down, if that didn't give me enjoyment then what will.
A crazy thing happened recently though. I decided to stop taking my pills. During the transition there were two weeks where I felt fucking incredible. And I mean incredible. I was social, I was motivated, I was ambitious, I was singing in the shower, I was smiling I was happy as fuck. I would call my old friends and chat with them I was posting shit on Facebook in an effort to share my life with my family to show them how great things were going and then BAM! It stopped. Just like that. Back to isolation, back to loneliness, back to depression. And it occurred to me, was my feeling of euphoria how normal people feel from day to day? Is THAT what I'm missing out on? Is that how people are able to go out and do things and enjoy them. They don't have to force themselves into activities they used to enjoy? If so, then I am at a SEVERE fucking disadvantage in life. Those assholes don't know how lucky they have it.
Anyways, that was pretty recent, been back in the funk for maybe 3 weeks now. Got even further into the funk when I realized I may be dying of stomach cancer and I can't do anything about it because I don't have a friend to take me to the doctor. Okay the stomach cancer thing is a huge exaggeration but that is where my mind goes.
Sorry for the long response, work is a tad dead today. Never really written all this shit down before. Feels good.
So I guess back to your original point, I completely agree with you. Maybe one of these days. But for now I just can't do it.