Having a life partner/and or marriage. Sorry to get all depressing on anybody reading this. Back in 2011 I knew a beautiful woman named Rebecca. Not her true name mind you, but she always loved her privacy. Old divorced mate I had managed to rack up enough cash to get his own house after trying for years and he was through the moon about it. Called and texted me about it for almost a week straight to and from the purchase, how glad he was to have a whole thing just to himself again and that to really throw it off he was throwing some bullshit party. Far as I can remember a dozen people showed up to the thing and they all loved it. I'm a bit of a reserved folk myself and more or less hung around vaguely drank and sat down. I was the life of the party, obviously. And this beautiful woman comes to me hanging out on some of the only furniture in the house and tells me to brighten up. Back then I thought she just had a damn load of liquid courage inside of her and humoured her a little bit....told her my night just got that much brighter. Turns out she was just like that, old Rebecca.
Saw someone not using everything they had, not trying the hardest they could and would almost always step in and say something to them. Hated cheapskates, try-hards, and Jehovah's witnesses. One of the bravest and funniest ladies I'd ever seen or heard of. Got her number in our nasty drunken stupor and decided fuck it and called her two days later. Hit it off like two rocks slamming against each other (I mean this positively of course) and had some of the best times I can recall since middle school. Sitting down and stuffing ourselves with cheap unhealthy garbage, talking trash about almost everybody we saw under our breath to one another and giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls.
Nothing good lasts forever. I felt stronger about Rebecca than I have ever any man woman or child and I was still scared. Scared to really open up to her, tell her what's wrong with me and that every time I thought of or saw her I felt my damn heart flutter. I could have stopped her and I didn't. I got scared of our connection I could feel growing and I got scared of the way I imagined her feeling about me and I'm almost certain she felt something more than companionship with me and I just let it fade. No falling out, no drama. Just up and stopped hanging and I'd feel like a damn creep if I approached her again.
I should have done something. Two months give or take after our last gallop into the city streets my divorced buddy called me crying like a baby. His old school buddy Rebecca had killed herself. Took a 9 millimetre and put it in her mouth in her garbage apartment that I loved. Never told her I love her and I never will. My love and feelings should fade because nothing lasts forever but they aren't. I've felt empty and fucking miserable since and I never want to meet someone I love again. I can be alone forever and it'll be fine.
Sorry. Couldn't stop myself.