What do you guys do after bombing a job interview?

Or any stories about doing horrible and still getting the job?

This ain't no shit. I not only bombed the interview for my current programming job and got it anyway, but I rode the bomb all the way down. This is mostly from memory. I was pissed off because I already had the job as a contractor, but they wanted to interview me again before putting me on their payroll.

Hiring Manager: "So, how would you implement a bubble sort for an array? Can you demonstrate it on the whiteboard?"

Me: This is a C# development position, isn't it? Why would I implement any sorting algorithm when the array and list types have built-in sort methods that have already been subjected to rigorous testing because they're part of the .NET framework? More importantly, why would you pay me good money to do the kind of mickey-mouse homework typically inflicted on first-year computer science majors?

HM: We were hoping to see your thought process.

Me: You just got a good look. Furthermore, I've been working with you clowns for three years. There was nothing to stop you from reading the code I've already written for you to see exactly what kind of programmer I am. I'm a damned good one. I have to be, because you'd just as soon get some schmuck with a H-1B visa because he'll work for poverty wages and not give you any lip for fear of losing the job and getting deported.

But if you want me to spell it out: I'm not going to reinvent the wheel. I don't get paid enough for that shit, no matter what salary you were planning to offer me. Nor do I repeat myself, or write code that can't be reused. That copy of Design Patterns in my cubicle isn't there to impress the suits.

HM: Moving right along, would you describe yourself as a passionate developer?

Me: Passion is for lovers, and I'm not your lover. I'm your whore. I'm a professional. That means I do the job, and then I get paid. I'll do the job to the best of my ability. I'll even give you the girlfriend experience and put on a persona suitable for a corporate environment. But love and passion are off the table.

HM: Well, we need passionate developers because we need people we can count on to be there if things get rough.

Me: Meaning you want people who are too fucking stupid to quit when you turn the project into a death march. Here's the deal: if I fuck up, I'll stay late to fix it. If there's a genuine, honest-to-God-and-all-his-jerkoff-buddies emergency not caused by a fuckup on management's part, I'll stay late to help out.

But if the project's late because you didn't hire enough people, or because the people you hired can't tell a compiler from a Cuisinart, tough shit. If you want more than forty hours a week out of me, despite the fact that overworked programmers are more likely to fuck up, you can damn well pay me time and a half.

Talk to anybody who's been my lead. They'll tell you that I come in at nine, do in six hours what takes other developers a couple of days, and leave at five because instead of taking an hour or two for lunch I'll nuke my lunch and eat at my desk. I'll take work from other developers just because it's two in the afternoon, I already did my own fuckin' work, and I'm bored and don't want to fuck over the company by either dicking around on the internet or working on my novel while I'm still on the job.

HM: All right. Can you tell us about a challenge you faced in your personal life that you had to overcome?

Me: You've googled me, right?

HM: Yes. It seems you're an author.

Me: You think writing a novel while working as a developer is easy? Look; you're probably asking these questions off a script, so let's just skip to the part where you ask me really inane questions like how I'd move a mountain.

And, if that was the question you were going to ask, I'd have to answer with questions of my own like: Which mountain? Where do you want me to put it? And does it need to look like grew as the natural result of tectonic activity over a few million years?

/r/AskMen Thread