I don't have a specific incident that I can pin to as starting it, but more recent traumas are some of the worst trigger/nightmares.

Growing up, all the adult men were very physical. Punishments included being beaten with a strap of conveyor belt, being locked in a dark basement, or being picked up by my ears.

"Play" included rough stuff; by the time I was 6, I already had a favorite sling and knew which doctors were going to be really bad at putting my shoulders back into the sockets. At 8, I dove trough a glass door while "playfully" running away from my grandfather chasing me with a Halloween mask. I tore my arm from wrist to shoulder on the glass - but fought with the docs and refused stitches.

I was first robbed at knifepoint also around 8 years old - for the 80 cents or so of change I had from getting groceries.
I started drinking & smoking at around 12, but I was always a straight-a student, so I didn't have problems with my parents.

I got into a lot of fights. In grammar school, I rarely got into trouble because I learned early not to throw the first punch. As I got older, I found throwing that first one was sometimes necessary when dealing with other tough guys on the street.

I was attacked 3 - 4 times and beaten with baseball bats enough to be hospitalized; once was an actual street fight, the other times were a drunken brother of a GF who ambushed me. The last time, I didn't pass out until I'd thrown the brother down 2 flights of stairs.

I was stabbed & shot at work. Relatively minor memories, just dealing with street criminals, and not too much long-term pain or damage. Threatened with violence at work several times, even jumped in a locker room by a co-worker.

I was in the WTC on 9/11. I was told there was nothing to worry about. Heh.
I watched my Mom die from cancer at 52. She asked me to care for her parents, I did and watched them both die. I watched my wife suffer with MS for years feeling helpless to make it better, then watched her suffer with the pain of pancreatic cancer until she died.

I think my biggest issues are anger and feeling powerless. I want to control every situation, and I've been "observant" for years, "hyper-vigilant"& suffering sleep disturbances since 9/11, and depressed/agoraphobic/scatter brained & useless since my wife died.

I started therapy intermittently for minor depression & to support my wife's depression about 20 years ago. Since 9/11 it has been more frequent.
Now, I go to therapy every week, and therapist is good about checking in on me if I'm late or miss an appointment. I'm taking meds, being monitored by both a Psychiatrist/MD and a General Practitioner. I try to participate in a local grief support group, but that is getting too religious & triggering some anger for me.

I try to write down my feelings, & share on Reddit, but sometimes I worry about people 'tracking me down' who don't know all this stuff about me. My close friends know; my remaining family doesn't, and wouldn't care.

I'm not working, I was fired from last job after 12 years; mostly because depression & sleep was making me useless. Late and clouded every day, near-zero actual work performance even after a few months. All my bills are behind, and I just submitted a disability claim. My savings is gone. I'm about 50 years old, and feel like I have nothing but debt and sorrow at this point in my life. I loved my wife, and wouldn't want to have missed that time - but everything else seems like it was senseless.

I could have died or been killed in at least a dozen separate ways. I don't trust authority, and I'm ashamed/afraid to ask anyone for help. I wait until crap is hitting before I really get moving or seeking more help.

I am still alive, and I'm going to keep getting up every day - even at 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I don't know how or when, but I believe I will feel better and start reconnecting with the real world again.

For now, thanks Reddit. It was a little cathartic to put that down. Now I have to think if I want to press [save].