No one here can tell you this for sure, but after near forty years of careful observation and endless questioning, I think the powers that be are what we would consider absolutely ruthless in the matter of doing the right thing. I don't think a higher power or transcendent consciousness hates us when we suicide, but regards the situation the way you'd regard a well-performing student on track for a fine future suddenly up and refusing to work anymore.

Life is not about being in a perfect place and having what we want or even being happy, I don't mean to demean what you're going through at all, I've very much been there. But life is about learning. Sometimes the lessons are fine and sweet - this is to be loved, this is to be fed, to be warm and appreciated and praised - and sometimes the lessons turn cold and hard, as any student of higher education might attest. When the lesson turns hard, often that is when it is becoming the most valuable.

For various reasons, many of them personally experienced, I think we do this more than once. I think that a suicide will face that same decision over and over and over, and he'll probably fall before it many, many times, because there's something about letting go of life's comforts and taking up its heavy iron weights that he can't bring himself to do. There are so many reasons to flunk out, many of them are - from our perspective - very good reasons, but I think we end up in the situations we wanted in life: we sometimes choose to play in Hard Mode. If the student wants to surpass himself, and to surpass the world he finds himself in, he has to carry through and survive it.

You will survive. Sometimes it seems like you must not, that change is too hard or deprivation is too terrible or loss is too grievous, but every difficulty is a lesson to learn, and sometimes in the end, you are so grateful for the lesson that the suffering seems a minor shadow in the end.

I've been there. Don't do it. There are better worlds than these, but there are things to learn here first, and pain is the proving ground that fells thousands. I really believe you just end up back in the same situation, because you choose to, because you have to learn this part, like something in a game that you have to learn in order to surpass it.