Had a 7 year relationship with a BPD woman (diagnosed bipolar as well)
Before that, I did not have serious relationships.
Lost my virginity at 27.
My ex was constantly getting advice from her NPD mother who was continually updated of
every detail of the marriage by my ex (crazy ex was on the phone with her crazy mom from
morning till evening)
Her mother had the notion that sex should be used as a carrot and stick to make the husband
earn more money, to be ready to jump in at a moments' notice, to basically be the wife's
manservant.
I put up with this sort of "training" from my ex for 7 years. All the while, ex was threatening
divorce, projecting all her unpredictable emotions on me (accusing me of cheating and worse)
Her mom egged her on, sometimes they had shared paranoia where they made up weird
stories and reasons for ex's behavior during manic periods, for ex's BPD-fueled rages,
for ex's shitty behavior as a wife and mother.
Needless to say, ex blew up at me one day, attacked me. I called the police.
MIL came in, crazed that police were going to 5150 the crazy ex, took crazed her and our kids.
Then MIL asked me to get out of the house I rented from them (didn't have rental contact).
I left on Christmas day. Ex and her crazed mom withheld my kids from me.
Going through horrible divorce from crazy ex (her fucking witch of a mother is always there, in
court, at exchanges) Ex gets 1/2 of my salary as support. I got fucked over by scammer crazies.
I was extremely codependent to the BPD and actually believed the shit lies and stories ex's mom
and the ex made up. After getting out, I had PTSD symptoms.
Why did I see my first escort? Because ex had used sex as a reward for controlling me.
I wanted to un-program myself from this. I needed to not reconcile again. Ex was basically
controlling using sex and I knew that to stop missing her and cut the emotional and
psychological hooks ex had sunk into me I needed to have sex with someone else.
I was in no condition to date. I was a mess.
I saw an escort, picked someone who turned out to have a pretty bad deformity and who
was also easily 20 years older than me. Noob mistake.
I had a horrible time with her, ran out of there like 5 min after PIV condom sex.
Took a shower at home and cried after that.
Second time, I picked someone expensive and about 5 years older than me. I had a great time!
Never looked back. I still see escorts about once a month, I'm careful to choose reviewed
ladies. I'm extremely thankful at the end of every session.
As far morality and ethics, I think that in my case it's the right thing to do.
I needed to do this to save myself. I needed to deprogram myself.
Escorts helped me to not go back, to get emotionally strong.
I see different women, I'm not a regular client, I try to see someone new every time.
I also date and I can say that I'm pretty indifferent to rejection when dating.
Honestly, I like being able to compartmentalize sex from emotion/attachment.
I think it's helped me enormously. It has made me a much stronger person.