When I think about what I need to be happy being the "best" or "better than" are not things that I need to feel complete.
When I was younger one of my parents became addicted to drugs and substance abuse and my mom could not afford to raise me so i had to go live with people who were not my parents but relatives of hers my autn and uncle.
They would tell me every day how there kids were better than me and how I was stupid and beneath there children and how I would never be anything in life.
They then told me when I was 14 that I should kill myself and that nobody would want me and that I would always be alone in life.
When I started going to college when i could not afford to stay on campus so went from there home they would lock me out of the house when I came home late at night because I had two jobs and was going to school so I would get home late.
Then they would laugh at me from the window when I told my parents they did not care because they needed to constantly borrow money from my aunt and uncle and did not want to get on bad terms with them.
They told me to stop going to college because I was to stupid and was just wasting my time and money. I guess maybe its because of that that I always felt the need to be the best to validate the worth they said I never had.
I cant say that i have proved them wrong yet and so it makes me angry because they are sick disgusting and vile people and i will never forget the things they did and said to me.
I dont even like my parents to be honest although I am nice to them. The fact that they could be so close and friendly with people who did those things to me lets me know thy dont give a fuck either.
However after I typed this i feel like I established a form of inner peace for myself.
When I think about it i wasnt the best on my sports team but i did okay and held my own anyways. When was in school i wasnt the best or the smartest student but I did okay anyways. So while not the best i always end up doing okay i guess.
Why do I need to be better than anybody? The truth is I dont need to be I just need to be myself and myself is good enough for me.
I cant say if I will ever prove them wrong but what I can say is that I will always do "my" best and I will not ever give anybody permission to put me down in life ever again.
I think I have been convinced that there is somethng wrong with being just "average". Like I said im probably not special unique or amazing and the thing is contrary to popular beliefe its okay to be none of those things as well.