So many things.

First there was bullying. But kept my head up. Then there was the emotional abuse from my mother, and the disappearance of my father. But I kept smiling. Then came the drugs and shitty people in my life, leading to a life of crime, lies, manipulation and addiction. Even that didn't keep me down. Then the overdose happened, and I died. Still not enough to stop me from pushing on. Then years of rehabilitation (hell) and PTSD from the dying thing, with symptoms like chronic panic attacks and derealization. All the while living in poverty. Kept going. There must be something good in life somewhere, right? Met a girl, became really close friends. She slowly but surely hacked down the walls I had been building for decades, and found her way into my heart. I started to have feelings for the first time in my life. I told her. Big mistake. She took that vulnerable spot she found in me, and used it to hurt me like I had never been hurt before. That was it. I gave up.

Now I just work a shitty job, go home, sleep, and repeat. There's nothing else in my life. Just waiting for death.