This is actually a legit question I ask myself frequently with one peculiar relationship I have.

I have an old friend, we go way back. We were best childhood mates, we have known each other for thirteen years. Children are stupid sometimes and we made some poor decisions. He wanted to be one of the groupies in the cool kids clique that was the pizazz in elementary schools, it sounds so silly now but how he ditched me for them one day, and it drew a line between our friendship. We fell out after middle school, I was a distant kid but I knew how to socialize enough to find me a group of others who I had a fun time fooling around my high school years with.

Then I met my old friend in my first year of high school again. He turned into someone different than the little friend I remember having, but I still welcomed him back into my circle because he seemed so lonely. I introduced him to my new mates, and we got along fine. We have our differences, but he considers me a good friend. We got drunk one night in our first year at uni, and there was that awkward moment when he attempted to express that I am the only good friend he ever had.

Now that hit a bell in my head. I got home that night and had a rare moment to think about what he said. To be honest, ever since I was little, I remeber my best friend abandoning me and although it's fucking depressing, there is that ugly notion in my head that reminds me relationships are brittle. Without myself realizing, that old friend had affected me in the long term and scarred an aspect of my life which I haven't realized before- I can't keep intimate relationships because I naturally believe they will not last. Although I have welcomed him back into my life, I never trusted him like I would have. That was when I understood why a lot of my other friends commented I don't open up with anyone and it frustrates them sometimes. My first girlfriend dumping me because she didn't feel any certain affection from me suddenly made a lot more sense.

I never really asked him about our childhiod mistakes, I'm sure he wasn't the actual reason for me turning out like I did, but he was a factor. I always end up thinking it doesn't matter anymore, too much time has passed and he doesn't bring it up either. But there is always this weird certainty that we both know it's a can of worms, and we both don't have the balls to face up to what we did to each other a long time ago. So we just act like normal friends, pretend nothing happened, and don't ask about shit when we sometimes just blatantly act cruel to another. It's getting abusive, but we still call each other best friends, and it's strange but when things happen we're the first person to contact for help to each other. Everyone else thinks we're good friends, but in reality everytime I'm there, sitting or having lunch with him I contemplate why I'm still calling him a friend.

It took so long to admit I hated him since childhood for breaking my trust.