Ahh the perils of being the son of a religious junkie. That's religious and a junkie, while also being a religious-junkie. Kind of the best of both worlds.
Santa is really the devil in disguise, trying to trick us all into worshiping a pagan holiday. You can tell because the words in Santa also spell Satan.
If you touch yourself, you'll have oily skin and everyone will know and laugh at you.
You shouldn't wash your hands with the soap of a gay man. You'll catch diseases.
If someone laughs at you, punch them in the face. They won't laugh anymore (did I mention he served time?)
You don't need to by shorts, just cut off a pair of jeans in the summer! This was the worst of all atrocities.
Black people are black because Kane killed Able.
Also, about black people, they all hate us. So it's okay to hate them back.
You can threaten someone as long as you attach a condition to it. "I'll kill you if ____" is perfectly fine.
Drugs are bad. I know I do it anyway, but they're bad. Don't do them, just watch me do them. They're bad. By the way don't steal my drugs you little cunt!
Trust my father, because god gave him insight. He was wandering in the desert once (during his runaway years) and had a near-death experience. He prayed for knowledge--insight into the world. TUHDUH vision yada yada illuminati.
Among those visions, everything in the world is decided in secret backroom deals, votes don't even count. So he doesn't have to feel bad about missing election day in a stuper.
Smoking in the same room with your kid is fine! Just because you can smell it doesn't mean you're inhaling it!
The earth is 6000 years old. Fossils were planted by the devil to trick us. Or they were moved there in the great flood. Or the science is wrong--carbon dating isn't real. Or all of the above why not!
Almost everyone in the world is going to hell. But we're not sure about the jews...
Vaccines are a scam. He didn't even think they caused autism, he just disagreed with the fundamental concept of a vaccine. Here's hoping I don't catch chicken pox as an adult...
Homeschool. Need I say more?
Lots of other shit too that I occasionally discover in life. Makes for good skepticism training.