I'm sorry. I admire your strength. I had a terrible 2014. My grandma was diagnosed with colon cancer, treatable, but not curable. My brother and her hopped on a plane to get her the best treatment in the states. I was all of a sudden with just my husband, as 90% of my family lives in the continental US. I was so angry at life, for genetics said to her “here I am, no matter how healthy the lifestyle you have had so far, or how close to a saint you are”. I quit my job of 4 years since we were demoted to part-time to see who would leave first. I started one that just paid bills better, but didn't love. Two months after, I got chikungunya. When I finally recovered enough to give my husband some loving, we got pregnant. I don't think I've ever felt so happy, for I felt my grandmother would be able to meet my baby, and that baby was a much needed win.
First visit, I was so scared it'd be an ectopic, when the doctor said it was really early, but it looked fine, I cried of happiness. Recommended me to another obgyn since I have some health issues. 2 weeks later they said they feared there was nothing developing in my sac. Then bleeding happened, dropped progesterone levels, and my hope and joy for that Christmas went away with my D&C for it happened a week before Christmas. I was offended by my piece of shit SIL asking if I should be having babies at my age, 28 at the time. My best friend was also pregnant, and seeing her baby was really hard for a while. All I could think of was “my baby would be just 2 months younger than him”.
Hubs and I are expecting now. I'm in my first trimester, but just can't bring myself to tell my grandmother. Her chemo has affected her memory. Plus, the roles are reversed. She's on the Island, I'm in TX. My miscarriage left me predisposed to thinking the same thing will happen next time. Don't get me wrong, I get so excited seeing progress, but that fear never goes away.
I hope you get your rainbow child, soon,also.