Preparation - Preparing for Kings Fall isn't easy. First, you want to make sure that everyone in the raid is at least 310 with the Touch of Malice or it isn't even worth starting. You'll want to make sure that everyone is a bladedancer since, with the addition of swords, you need classes with as much sword skill as possible.
Don't buy any ammo from Xur or from any other source; you'll find plenty of ammo from the corpses of your dead fireteam members. You should however buy a large amount of motes of light from Xur since you will be expected to use them all immediately upon finding a new gun.
Remember to go to clear all of the Court of Oryx bosses before you enter the raid so you don't get overwhelmed by them while completing the first phase of the raid. It helps to clear them all twice because glitches can and will happen. Safety first!
Rift PvP Phase - This is the easiest part of the raid by far. Split into groups of 1 and 5 and play a quick round of rift against each other. The person by himself should be hacking or else he may die to random taken that spawn around the map.
Once you've gone full Michael Jordan in Space Jam on each other's asses, the portal in the middle will open and you'll have to kill no less than 32 echoes of Oryx to continue (DISCLAIMER Sometimes the echoes don't spawn, this is a common glitch that can be solved by exiting the raid and resetting it and doing the first phase over again, repeat until echoes spawn).
Super Mario Hive Ships - This is the hardest section of the raid (besides destinylfg). Equip your grappling hooks and parachutes and zip between the hive ships. Bring plenty of wet towels to wash the ships after you get your nasty-ass boots all over the nice new ships. #berespectful #hivearepeopletoo
If a guardian falls, he will be teleported to a cave in the Skywatch where he will be instantly killed by a large group of vengeful hive acolytes.
Totemic Might - Split into 6 groups of 1, and have each player go to one side of the room or the other. Then work out a complex pattern of rotations and dance emotes that resembles a calculus problem more than an actual raid strategy.
Since the fight tracks Wizard kills when you wipe, it's SUPER important to ignore any and all mechanics and kill wizards whenever available. Any less than 12 wizard kills and you'll be kicked from the party for not contributing and being a "total scrub"
WarPope - This fight is easy if you know what you're doing. Once the warpriest spawns have the 5 highest light level people unload everything they have on the boss. It'll say "immune" which is Latin for "NICE SHOT" if you're doing this correctly. The sixth member will be focusing on adds as they spawn, if he can't kill all the adds by himself, call him bad and replace him.
Once the adds are dead, sync plates will become available for use. The fireteam will have to coordinate pressing all 4 plates at the same time. Once this is done correctly, someone will die every 10 seconds unless you run into the big black orb in the center of the room. After this is complete, you just rinse and repeat until the pope is toast.
Biggoron's Cellar Maze - Go up, then up again, then down twice, then left, right, Left, right, and finally press ABStartSelect to navigate this treacherous maze. Fall into every hole you find, one of them contains a chest with year two gally.
Biggoron - Zero Gaze Strategy - First have everyone kill the adds, then pop all 6 ceiling droplets at the same time, everyone will stand in one pool and equip their touches of Malice and hold right trigger until the boss dies. After he dies, you will be rewarded with the Biggoron sword. This sword is really powerful, but breaks easily. It's pretty useful for the Taken Guardian fight in the water temple, and can be repaired for glimmer whenever you return to the top of Dreadnaught Mountain.
Super Mario 64 Whomp's Fortress - Start by jumping onto the ledge directly in front of where you spawn and follow the yellow arrows on the ground to a set of stairs with thwomps slamming down onto them. Carefully make your way across the falling platforms at the top of the stairs to avoid the piranha plants. Next, run past the whomp and jump on the elevator platforms to reach the top. Jump on the outcroppings on the castle spire at the top to reach the star.
M'Lady Ga'ga and Ka'ty Per'ry - Seriously do whatever the fuck you want. This is super fucking easy. Whip out your dregs promises and go to sleep and you'll kill these hags. Don't forget to make a ton of edgy "Daughters of Oryx CP" jokes and ask the raid why you're all "shadowy" and whether or not being torn between worlds is a way to get the sleeper simulant. Remember kids, counter-clockwise means the opposite of whatever anyone else tells you.
Aurash, the Fattest Krill - Dismantle your ToMs, because you don't want to take any unnecessary damage during this fight on accident.
PHASE 1 - After killing adds, Oryx will slam his hammy fist onto one conveniently placed platform as if he really thinks he knows the answer to a jeopardy question. Have everyone in the group shoot rockets at his hand and jump up on the platform. You should all try to jump around the room onto the invisible platforms which can only be seen using your ghost. Whoever gets the relic needs to suicide immediately until someone who isn't a COMPLETE idiot gets a chance at it.
PHASE 2 - After all ogres are gathered to the center and all the knight is dead, Oryx will open his chest. Avert your eyes since his nipples will be too bright without sunglasses. Make sure you blindly fire a short range shotgun, auto rifle, or hand cannon into his chest during this time or you'll all die. After he says "golly, I've been staggered!", kill the ogres with your supers and stand in the black goop until it says you've detonated the bomb. Obviously you'll want to be nowhere near them when they go off so run away as fast as you can.
PHASE 3a - Run back to each other and move around the arena as a group in a single file line to avoid the frontrunner dying. Stop frequently to shoot adds and use synths. Repeat the above steps until the Auryx is at 50% then skip this step and go to phase 3b.
PHASE 3b - at 50% Oryx will transport you to his mind which is apparently 10 feet below the arena. Ignore the echo unless it comes out of the mist to greet you, in which case it is proper etiquette to sword duel the echo until someone becomes the victor. Outside of his mind, you should be trying to corral thrall into the big death-bubble in the middle of the arena. It kills you, I'm sure it kills them too.
PHASE 4 - Oryx will go to the middle at 1% and undress himself one last time. GO FULL SWORDS ON HIS DICK. JUST FUCKING JUMP OVER TO HIS GLOWING MONSTER PENIS AND SLICE IT OFF YOU PLEBS!
Congratulations, you've beaten Onix and now it's onto Mt. Moon and Cerulean City! Don't leave until the cutscene starts. It's so good you'll not want to miss it. Casually reveal to your elitist fireteam that this was actually your first time clearing the raid and that you "totally tricked" them. ENJOY YOUR MOLDERING SHARDS
Thanks Blizzard, you've finally made an MMO that doesn't suck.