Kind of a lot and a bit of a clusterfuck, probably one of the lowest points in a series of lows for me.

23, severe depression and anxiety, never been drunk, never been high on anything. It's partially a pride thing but mostly I'm aware that depression and anxiety don't play well with alcohol or drugs.

But god damn is it getting harder and harder to resist. I'm in my second semester of college, my car is paid off, I have a great resume for someone without a college degree.. but the more and more I get my life together on paper, the more unhappy I am. I've been focusing a lot on myself and what I want in life, who I am, etc etc, and every step towards a more conventional life is a dozen steps away from what makes me happy. I don't like to compromise, I'm not willing to give up who I am so that others can be happy but I'm not sure if I'm going to have to give up parts of who I am just so I can live.

I don't think I'm very talented. I know at least I'm not very motivated to try. I take every short cut I can, I cheat at just about everything I do eventually. I guess it could be said that I'm addicted to instant gratification in a lot of ways and I'm not sure how to get around it. I've always wanted to be a photographer but nothing outside of imagination inspires me and I don't have the resources or the friends to make that imagination come to life.

I wish I had the balls to just sell everything of mine that isn't core to me, pay off all my debts, move to somewhere rainy, somewhere peaceful and small but not so small that I'd know everyone there within a handful of months, and just start new - even though I don't think there's much written on the slate for my life where it currently is. There's a lot of things I want but for some reason I just can't bring myself closer to them.

And to add onto it all, I don't really have any friends for the first time in my life. I don't really have anyone that I care for. I've never been too emotionally attached to my family, I don't know how to maintain friendships because I do like my alone time a lot. Sex has never been something I've cared for but general intimacy has become something I've felt desire for more and more and it's really fucking with me.

I used to be able to tell if I was feeling suicidal or just down but I can't anymore. Everything just seems so pointless but death seems even more so.