I'm 16 and have asbergers, a mild form of autism. I'm self aware of my problem but it weighs me down and makes me useless and retarded. I have the inability to focus on things very clearly, and end up zoning out multiple times a day. I used to be in public school, and miraculously made some friends in the few years I was there. In 4th grade I became homeschooled due to having anger issues that made things problematic, and as a result lost my few friends. I was homeschooled every year from then until now, and followed the same routine every day: spend 1-2 hours finishing my schoolwork, and then 8-10 playing video games by myself. My schoolwork was purposely made easy so I wouldn't have a tantrum trying to figure it out. And as a result, I learned absolutely nothing all those years.

So here I am, at the age of 16, with no social skills or life skills whatsoever, and I'm fucking terrified. My parents are divorced, and my dog recently ran away and was hit by a car; so that was fun. I just want to be completely normal, have friends, and know how to talk to people, but I know that might not ever happen. I have the option to go to a public highschool this fall, but I fear I won't understand anything and I'll just look like a retard again.

I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but I'm aware that I have it. I can't feel any emotion or empathy anymore. When something good happens, I put on a fake smile but in reality feel nothing. When something bad happens, It's like my brain is just used to it and I don't feel anything at this point. I've been seeing a counselor/therapist for the past few months, but nothing has changed.

I've been undergoing treatment for years now. When I was in 3rd grade, my mental state was a wreck; but now I'm much more stable. I've been told my autism can potentially be "cured" with enough treatment. Is this bullshit? Probably. Could it be true? Possibly. So now I'm patiently waiting, hoping that I can soon be rid of this retardation curse. If it turns out to be impossible, I'll honestly probably end up killing myself. I want to be able to have a normal conversation without losing focus. I want to have friends and a good job. And I have a desire to become vastly intelligent. But this illness makes it feel impossible to achieve anything in life.