What was one time you almost left your partner but then changed your mind?

My wife and I were going though a rough patch. In fact, we've been at odds over our differences in medical decisions involving daughter. But it was an especially rough night.

I was being needy and she was being a fill in the blank. Then one night she was really being short and disrespectful. Like an 11/10.

This is where it gets cringey. I was suspicious, so I checked my wife's phone. I caught some low key flirting between her and some dude.

I confronted her and of course she deflected and denied. Nothing was resolved and she called me needy and other things. I hated her as much as I ever have in that moment. Communciation is overrated.

I should have scorched Earth, right? The thing is, we have a 4yo daughter. And 13 years sunk into the relationship. So between gambler's fallacy and fear of dooming my daughter to a broken home, I reached out in several directions.

We tried counseling, but every time it's one night of good intentions and back to old habits. I got a hold of a good lawyer and had all the pre-work done, but didn't pull the trigger on the retainer. I looked online for anything tangentially related to our issues. I found a forum on dead bedrooms, which lead me to a great book about it, which lead me to some andro-centric self-help communities, and I bought into the program.

Months go by and nothing I am doing appears to be working. She's still being a (CENSORED), but at least I'm getting healthier in body and mind. I'm gaming the hell out of her, too, per the program. I'm the best looking, most charming guy I've been in 13 years, but there's still animus between us. But there are still occasional flare ups and miscommunication. I'm ignoring her more than ever, too. She's confused and thinks I'm just working on my anger issues.

We have two talks. One night, she initiated the talk. She told me that she just can't take it anymore. I can have 100% custody. I just had to say the word. I declined. Partially because I think she was just temporarily depressed, and didn't really mean it. She cried and we went to bed tired and too exhausted to hate each other.

The second time, I initiated. I told her I was getting my shit together, and I hope she comes along on my journey. I told her I had certain expectations out of my marriage, and I hope she is the person who can fulfill them. She was quiet the entire time. Eventually, she got up without a word and went into the living room, crying. I asked her what was wrong, as gently as I could. I got her some water and tissue and asked again. Nothing. I can always get a reason our of her when I wait. But not that night.

I couldn't figure it out. Was she frustrated? Was she sad? Angry? Scared?

I went to bed, too tired to figure it out.

The next evening, she initiated intimacy for the first time in forever. I usually have to do it. She was sweet, loving, and our communication going both ways was respectful. It hadn't been like that in at least five years.

That was 3 or so months ago, and while the sweetness hasn't been as intense as that night, we've maintained. Intimacy is up. We can have good arguments now, meaning they drive to respect and understanding. We just had one two nights ago. WTF?

This may not be sustainable, but I like it for now. I'm still running the program (it's a lifestyle, not a quick fix). And we still have a really big talk about medical care that has to happen by early next year. So I may still end up killing the puppy. But for the first time in years, perhaps our entire relationship, I'm happy being with her, and I suspect she feels the same towards me.

Let's ride it out and see where this goes.

/r/relationship_advice Thread