I sometimes wonder, if I had never started abusing allergy medicine, what my life would be like.

I'm pretty sure I would just be a physically healthier and mentally happier person, but I don't think I would have any desire to excel or to even live, because I've never wanted either of those. I wouldn't have retard pills to blame, so I probably would have turned on my friends and family instead. I'm sure I'd blame everything on everyone who isn't me. I would probably drink to much alcohol and smoke to much to cope with the fact I exist. I'd probably be a lot more violent and sociopathic, most likely coked out and semiproductive. I imagine I'd have more friends, but I doubt they would be good friends.

I have a big hole in me that I tried to fill with sedation and brain damage, and its not going anywhere. I have a lot of anger and resentment to this world, most likely exasperated by DPH abuse. I have never been that great of a person, and I cannot blame DPH for that.

There is no happy ending to this, but I will say that you still can change, just so long as you're alive. I have yet to find contentness of existance in anything besides chemicals, but I'm sure its possible.