So when I was going through basic training for the Army I knew I would meet some really dumb people. And I did. But they were your garden variety of stupid. The kind of guys you see in the movies. Not bright but good guys that learn, nonetheless. Then there was my Kevin. We weren't in the same platoon or even the same company but we stayed in the same barracks.
So one day I'm polishing my boots and getting my gear ready for training the next day when out of nowhere I'm hit with the horrible smell of feet and corn chips. It was powerful. I had to say something so I walk through the barracks looking for the source. Eventually, I happened on my Kevin. Kevin was sitting on his bunk eating a bag of chips (not corn chips) and talking about getting into Special Forces (Kevin was fat). His gear was strewn about and he looked like we hadn't been in training for 3 months at that point. Also, chips weren't allowed so how he got those I have no idea.
It was about that time I'm guessing the drill sergeants had detected the offensive odor of what I'm hoping was Kevin's feet, too. Suddenly the whole room is aswarm with round hats and screaming. The protocol when a higher ranking soldier, like a sergeant, enters the room is the first person to see them yells "AT EASE!" and everyone stands up straight, feet shoulder width apart and hands behind your back. I did this, every one else did this and we did it quick. Kevin did not do this. Kevin decided to stand up at his leisure still holding the chips and eating them.
The drill sergeants then proceeded to lay into Kevin, who was visibly nervous and apparently his reflex to being nervous is to CONTINUE EATING HIS CHIPS. So here's Kevin getting screamed at while munching away until the drill sergeant that was doing their best to dissect his forehead with their round hat told him to drop the chips. Then they start yelling at him to drop and beat his face (push-ups). Kevin then gets down and does 10 or so and then starts to struggle. Meanwhile we're all still standing there having to watch this, waiting for our turn. It goes on for another 5 minutes until finally the drill sergeant ends it and takes the chips.
They tell him to get some water in him because they're going to fuck him up in the morning and then start walking away. They tell us all to carry on but Kevin.. Kevin decided that was the moment to ask for his chips back. Drill sergeant yells "shut the fuck up, Private" and leaves but Kevin notices one last chip on the ground directly next to his smelly foot. Yeah, he ate it.
I remember thinking "Please God don't let this kid be in my unit when I get the normal duty." One month later I arrived at my new duty station and get assigned a barracks room. I'm stepping out to go take a shower when who steps out of the room across the hall? Kevin. I'd spend the next four years serving alongside this kid, even saving his ass once. More stories of my Kevin to follow.